Blind Date

I went on a blind date this last week.  It wasn't so bad, but it was interesting and I learned how truly blessed I am.  You see, it turns out this guy had been divorced 2-3 years ago.  He still looked to the past about what he had lost.  He kept asking me questions about my past and could not seem to figure out how I am happy.  I told him because it's a choice that I make every single day.  I see my own failed marriage in a totally different light.  I see all that I gained.  All that my boys gained.  All that I have to look forward to in life.  I have the opportunity to find someone who loves me for who I am. My boys now have extra people who love them.  Is it the ideal situation, no, far from it, but I am learning to embrace that which I cannot change and go with it.  Sometimes our plans are not the best plans it seems and we need to allow for flexibility in our lives.  Sometimes the new changes that come in to our lives are frustrating but we can conquer them and be better because of them.  Me, the over planned Paige, is learning that you can't plan everything.

I am grateful that I am young enough and smart enough to go back to school and that I have the opportunity to better myself.  Going to school while my boys are still young is definitely not my first choice, but I know that we will all be taken care of. Some way, some how bedtime will get easier and I will have time to study.  Everything else has started falling into place, I know I am not forgotten about.

  As I have a house in Idaho hoping to be completed short sale by the end of the month and one in San Antonio in foreclosure, I get to move into my new house TOMORROW.  I am blessed to soon have a place to call my own.  I am lucky enough to have the support of people at church who are willing to help me get moved in. After living out of a suitcase for the last 2 months and months of boxes before that wondering if I would due able to qualify for a place a all to having a small place to call my own I am euphoric.   Tomorrow night I get to sleep in my very own bed in my very own sheets.  I am so thankful to all those who have shared with my boys and I places to sleep these last 2 months, even though we have not had our own place, we have not been lacking a place to lay our head.

As much as at times I have struggled in my own mind, things are working out.  At times, friends have reminded me to not worry about that which is out of my control and I am thriving!  It comes as a little shock to me because the last week of October when I found Kyle's journal with his plan all written out, I thought my life was over....now I am seeing that it really has just begun.  I have already gone on 21 trips since my birthday in February and have more planned throughout the rest of the summer. I think it is safe to say that I will reach my goal well before I turn 31! 

Because of my lack of my own living arrangements I was able to have conversations with my boys that I might not have otherwise been able to have.  We have been able to make memories together and explore.  We focused on each other even more.  Hyrum was able to attend scout camp in 2 different states. Quinten too decided that he wanted to start potty training at Grandma B's house. That makes 3 boys trained at Grandma's house!  Good bye diapers!  Hopefully I get him back at the end of the month still in undies.  Kaden had 4 birthday parties in 4 different states.  I have been lucky enough to pick up 2 kayaks and take them out already.  

So blessed! So Mr. Blind Date man, take what life throws at you and run with it.  Sometimes what we envision as what is best for us and opens up doors to even bigger and better life experiences.  But, we do not always know best.  Live for today and for tomorrow but know that you are who you are because of the past.  It is ok to be happy no matter what ones relationship status is!  Laugh every day, laughter is vital in ones life. And finally embrace the sun and the outdoors, so much healing comes when we are surrounded by the beauty all around us.  Take pictures to be reminded by all that is wonderful around you. Pictures will help you remember when your mind gets cloudy at times.

And now because no post is complete without pictures, here are some of my favorites from the last month.  I am missing my boys so much already and I just dropped them off at Kyle's on Friday. Instead of moping that I don't have them, I am trying to pack my days full of fun activities and get other necessary things done for the fall.

Kaden ready to camp out in the tent with the big boys in Ohio.  He didn't last, but he was excited to try.

Hyrum & I on our date to see Brave!

Quinten at South Beach Miami.  "Mom, I'm a little sandy!"

Quinten at Disney World tall enough to ride the roller coasters and he loved every second of it!

Sleeping at Audrey & Colin's house.  I got the foot of the bed.

Hyrum said, "Mom, I want to move to Maryland or get a kayak."  We got a kayak!

Happy 4th Birthday Kade Man!

 Kaden sleeping with Daisy & Sammy. They remembered him.

 Quinten with his motorcycle.

Uncle Stu building sand castles with the boys. 

Hyrum perfecting his archery skills. He got 3 bulls-eyes while at scout camp in Houston, the most of any kid his age. To say he was excited is a bit of an understatement!

We're Back!

 We had a wonderful vacation that was over before we knew it.  19 days, 5146 miles logged, 17 states visited or driven through and we were back in time for our Father's Day deadline.  Since getting back we have found a place and now are enjoying our time here in Houston even though it is raining like crazy.  Now to get organized for the move.

Just wanted you to know we are alive and made it and I will update with the adventures from our trip when I find more time.

Match Maker Match Maker Make Me a Match

So usually I am a pretty positive person, this post will not be that.  Skip it if you don't want to hear me complain.

I am tired of being taking a look at my body and starting to talk to me and asking about me and when they find out that I have 3 kids looking at me like I am a crazy freak!  Granted, it makes the decision of whether or not I want to keep talking to the person much easier, even makes me question do I even want to get to know the person as a friend.  I am also tired of being told that it only takes one person to change a person from single to married but really, I don't want to hear it.  I know that is true.

I am not going to keep it a secret that I have kids.  I am a package deal.  You get me, you get them.  I don't feel it is right to spring that information on a person after going out with them a few times.  Plus, I love my boys and am proud to be their mother.  They are a part of me.

I am not in a rush to get married, I've been there, done that, but I would like to date and have fun and be wanted for more than my body.  I do not like being propositioned and chased after and fear what can happen to me.  I am grateful for friends who get me out of tricky situations though.  Don't et me wrong, looks are an important factor in dating but they are not everything.  Personality pays a big part as well.

I am more selective though and I can't "date down" so much.  I have an 8 year old.  I am worried that potentially someone could want me to hurt my kids.  That is a very real fear to me.

Like I said in my last post, a new standard has been set, the bar has been significantly raised.  I am so thankful for this, but it makes things even more complicated.  I am thankful to know what I one day can have and more!  I am thankful for this trip with my boys to be able to focus on myself and them and hopefully get over my own feelings.

So I guess what I have to say is I am single, and know that I need to network, there are tons of people who read my blog and never comment.  If you know of anyone who you think I might connect with, please let me know.  And if you happen to know someone who is in my situation, do them a favor and have fun playing match maker.  I have set up a few friends in the past, and it really can be a fun experience even if it doesn't work out in the end.

And if you don't hear from me in awhile, we are starting our vacation tomorrow.  It has been cut short as people only think of themselves, but we are determined to make the best of the time that we have.  I will be back Father's Day weekend and would love to make some new friends and possibly go on a few dates.  I should be ready by then.

Judge me how you may, these are my honest thoughts tonight.

Oh, and the picture above was taken this last weekend.  The tree looked awesome surrounded in the field by the little yellow flowers.  I wished I was driving and had a blanket and would have pulled over to take a little nap.

Dreams

It is interesting how life works sometimes.  I love seeing the hand of the Lord in my life.  I do not always understand it, but I am thankful for normal people and events that happen in my life!

Last night I started planning a quick trip to Utah for this weekend and changed my mind right before hitting purchase.  I realized I could plan an even better trip if I was just patient and didn't make a sporadic decision.  I could get to travel with Heidi and make it to one of my dream destination locations since I was a teenager.  I have been hearing and seeing many people getting to go to Machu Picchu already this summer.  For the same cost as my last minute trip to Utah with my airlines miles I should be able to squeeze in this same trip with advance planning.

I have tried to figure out how to not go crazy during the month of July being kid free.  I am trying to plan ahead like I usually do.  I know I am going to miss my boys like crazy!  My plans don't always pan out the way I like them to, but it doesn't stop me from continuing to make them.  

I need to stop focusing on what could have been and what still can be in the future.  I know that I was given in my life what I needed at the time.  Healthy, safe, affectionate, admirable, peaceful.  The example that was set for me is a precedence of what I will look for in the future.  I have learned a tremendous amount about myself in the last 2 months while dating Brian.  Sometimes we do not understand why things work out or don't work out the way they do.  But today I am sad but so extremely thankful.  Thankful for ordinary.  Thankful for comfortable.  Thankful for honesty.  Thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and my needs.  I know why I have had what I have had.  I am not forgotten about, I am loved.

The "game" of dating is a strange one.  It is hard for me.  In dating these days you have to have a sensor.  Having a sensor is hard after being married for so long.  It is a definite mental switch.  I enjoy dating but not so much when things don't work out.  And life is real and I am back in the swing of things and looking for someone new that might catch my eye.

And so even when I wanted to feel like Kaden I can't.  I enjoy smiling and laughing so much.  I love living life and meeting new people who come into it.  I am blessed and not forgotten about!  Now I also can focus on myself and my boys again and not be too distracted (in theory at least).

Never give up on good dreams, the second you stop fighting for them, you've lost all hope.

Gate C22

I found this poem on a blog that I follow. I really enjoyed reading it so I thought I would share.  One day I will be the woman in this story!

Gate C22

by Ellen Bass

At gate C22 in the Portland airport

a man in a broad-band leather hat kissed

a woman arriving from Orange County.

They kissed and kissed and kissed. Long after

the other passengers clicked the handles of their carry-ons

and wheeled briskly toward short-term parking,

the couple stood there, arms wrapped around each other

like he’d just staggered off the boat at Ellis Island,

like she’d been released at last from ICU, snapped

out of a coma, survived bone cancer, made it down

from Annapurna in only the clothes she was wearing.

Neither of them was young. His beard was gray.

She carried a few extra pounds you could imagine

her saying she had to lose. But they kissed lavish

kisses like the ocean in the early morning,

the way it gathers and swells, sucking

each rock under, swallowing it

again and again. We were all watching–

passengers waiting for the delayed flight

to San Jose, the stewardesses, the pilots,

the aproned woman icing Cinnabons, the man selling

sunglasses. We couldn’t look away. We could

taste the kisses crushed in our mouths.

But the best part was his face. When he drew back

and looked at her, his smile soft with wonder, almost

as though he were a mother still open from giving birth,

as your mother must have looked at you, no matter

what happened after–if she beat you or left you or

you’re lonely now–you once lay there, the vernix

not yet wiped off, and someone gazed at you

as if you were the first sunrise seen from the Earth.

The whole wing of the airport hushed,

all of us trying to slip into that woman’s middle-aged body,

her plaid Bermuda shorts, sleeveless blouse, glasses,

little gold hoop earrings, tilting our heads up.

SLEEP!

I heard this from a friend, who read it on a bumper sticker. "Some days all I want to be is a missing person."  This week I have been feeling like it at bedtime.  Getting the box fed and ready for bed is easy but this week they have decided to give me a run for my money and refuse to fall asleep.  

I started the post a few nights ago.  I had actually made the choice to go to bed early again.  Kaden woke up with a barking seal cough and I knew that he would need a breathing treatment.  What is a single parent supposed to do when they have one sick needing medical attention child and 2 others asleep.  Luckily Kyle answered his phone and was able to get Kaden a breathing treatment.  Prayers were answered that night and Kaden is on the mend.

While on the topic of sleep, last night I fell asleep putting the boys to sleep and my body woke up on it's own at 2 in the morning, I guess it figured it had the usual 5 hours of sleep and it was time to wake up. Little did it know that I could sleep for an additional 4 1/2 hours.  I tried everything I could think of and ended up out checking the stars.  If you ever are in need of a star tracking app I recommend star walk.  It shows on so many different levels the stars in the sky and when it is dark and a clear sky there are many to be seen.  I have used it a few times before but I actually figured it out and it was really neat.  Maybe I will save up my money and get myself a telescope one of these days.

The Gift of Time

The time is NOW to let others know how you really feel about them.  Just remember you can share those feelings in a kind way even if it is a feeling of dislike.

I am trying to figure out how to better let me boys know that I am here for them now but that I still have to take care of myself and my time is important too.  I give up a lot of myself to make their lives easier, and now I am wondering if maybe I am sabotaging them unintentionally.  The next few weeks I am setting a goal to have them help out more and to move a little bit slower and not be so rushed to get places and hope that if there is not such a rush to get everywhere that we can all be a little bit more helpful and find more peace.  Wish me luck!

There are nights when my boys talk in their sleep and I cringe at what I hear.

The paperwork - The letter

I have had a few friends ask me for advice on what to say to their friends who have just been served with divorce paperwork, so I decided to write out my thoughts so anyone could see what I would say.  I have shared this and more with some friends already.  These are my thoughts now that my divorce is final and I have received the 2 most expensive pieces of paper of my life.

**************

So I started out writing a completely different letter. The advice that I would give you right now, after a pretty crazy post divorce day is that single parenting is challenging, but you can do it!  Make sure and have a great support group, you may have a few good friends now, but they will become lifesavers on a particularly stressful day.  Also while on the topic of friends, this will be a discovery period for you.  You will find who is a true friend and who just enjoys the drama.  Look towards those great and wonderful friends, and if a new person reached out to you, give them a chance; they could turn into one of your best friends!  Even though there may be people in your husband’s family whom you like and are on your side, distance yourself from them.  You need to have that break.  Families usually stick by their own and now you will be an outcast.

Don’t keep what you are going through a secret, don’t go out of your way to broadcast all the details to everyone, have a few close friends who you can vent to and receive feedback from.  At the same time, don’t be afraid to tell someone that there is more to you and who you are than your relationship, or lack thereof with your soon to be ex-husband.  There were days when I had to ask family and friends to talk about other topics.  When they ask you, they are not wanting to be nosey, they are just curious as many of them have not experienced it themselves and they don’t understand the complete 180 a person can make.

Take the time to look outside of yourself and serve others, serving others will help you to realize that there are other people in the world who are worse off than you.  Yes, the situation you are in totally does suck and no one I know who has experienced it would wish divorce on their worst enemy, but it will not kill you.  You can come out of this experience a stronger person and even surprise yourself with all that you are capable of doing!  The lady that I have cut my hair handed me a people magazine one day and told me to read it to get my thoughts on other people’s problems to forget my own.  It worked, but I think that service is a wonderful option as well!

No one goes into a marriage hoping it will end in divorce, that would be crazy – you would never have gotten married to begin with.  But as a result of our free agency you are put in this situation.  You have the choice to allow it to make or break you.  I choose to allow it to mold me into a stronger person; I hope you make the same choice.  There will be many times where you struggle with why me, but look at it as you are not being punished.  Why not you?  You are given this opportunity to learn and have a chance at a better life and relationship with a person whom it truly devoted to you.  Heavenly Father has not forgotten about you in this time of your life and you will find very many tender mercies if you are looking with a positive outlook.

Remember to pray for things.  But remember to pray for more than just your failing marriage.  It was not all you focused on pre divorce paperwork, why the sole focus now?  Read your scriptures and truly delve into them.  On nights when I was having a hard time falling asleep or with bad dreams, I would read my scriptures even if just a few verses and I would sleep more soundly through the night.

Find a good counselor and take the time to counsel with your Bishop. My Bishop a few times asked if meeting him was helping me, I assured him that yes it was.  Knowing that I was meeting with a man who was called of God to be over me brought me comfort even if most of the times I was the one speaking.  Sometimes just the questions that were asked got me thinking for the next few weeks and made me look at life in an entirely new way.  I am forever grateful to my counselor and my Bishop for keeping me sane and laughing through the hard times.  Also be willing to ask for blessings if you feel the need.

Take the time to make new traditions and hobbies for yourself and your kids.  Continue some of the old ones if you want to, but not if they will have painful memories of what was.  There is no point dwelling on the old and the past unless you want yourself to hurt more and to not emotionally heal.  Allow yourself to feel and experience all of the emotions that are going through your body but set a time limit.  You don’t want to live life moping around.

For your children’s sake, allow them to have a picture of them with their dad but not a family picture of all of you together.  File those old family pictures away for when they are older and might want them.  You will be tempted to get rid of everything of you together, I have had friends who have done that, but now a few years back they wished they had kept something for their kids.  Take old family pictures off your computer, no good will come from scrolling through them.  You will not feel any better.  It is ok to remember the good with the bad but remember that you did have so many years of great times and that too has shaped you into the woman that you are.

When food stops tasting good, force yourself to eat.  You can’t be your best self and the best mother that you know how to be if you are not physically taking care of yourself.  Tell others around you about your lack of desire to eat and ask them to kindly help you eat.  Try new foods and go out of your comfort zone in this area.  Learn to make new foods so you don’t have the same constant memories with the meals as before.  Exercise.

My life is what it is, and it is wonderful!  I am who I am because of all that I have experienced and I know that my first marriage was and is still a blessing in my life. I would not go back and change things about it.  I lived my life the best way that I knew how to.  Was I perfect, far from it! I am human and I made plenty of mistakes.  Allow the Atonement to be a part of your life, truly search the scriptures in the quiet moments of the night.  How could Christ have died for our sins and those of others if he did not know how we would respond and react to different circumstances in our lives?  Start praying for forgiveness now.

Make yourself make plans for the future, they don’t have to be concrete plans, but having a future goal you are reaching towards will give you a new purpose in your life and will feel wonderful when you, in time, have reached that goal.  Then make sure you set new ones.

When your divorce is totally final and you have gotten to the point where you are ready to date, don’t throw yourself at any guy that comes along.  Give all guys one chance because you might be pleasantly surprised when someone has the qualities and traits you were wanting in a person.  Take the time to make yourself feel attractive even if money is tight you will be glad that you did!  It will feel odd when you kiss a new guy for the first time after years with the husband but it is thrilling and exciting too.  You might feel naughty at first, but it is better than being a teenager!  Be careful though because you have so much more power than you realized you did as a teenager.  Read for the strength of youth and draw your lines and choose to stick to them before you even go out with a man.

Heavenly Father is a God of love, he wants us to be happy and he will bless you with all that you stand in need of and are deserving of.  There will come a time when you will see your (ex)husband in an entirely new light and there is not that same attraction and pull, still treat him kindly and with respect.  There were many times that I took the cheap shots offered to me and it didn’t make me feel better.  There will be many things that you will not understand, stop trying, you will only make yourself crazy!  There will be many things that will be out of your control, don’t focus on those things.  Try not to tell your children bad things about their father, he is still their father whether or not he is being a positive example or not.

Work on being the healthiest, happiest you that you can be.  Figure out a few new hobbies, or allow yourself the time to get back into old hobbies that you allowed to die for the season in your marriage relationship.  You will feel better doing these things and it will help you to have a distraction of all the other thoughts in your mind.  Do not do things wishing to have your husband back, there is no need for manipulation and trickery, but it is ok to dress nicely and have your act together at times when he will come over to pick up your kids.  Treat your relationship with him as a business deal. Need to know information.  And know that even once the divorce is final, they will still know how to push your buttons.

And finally, take revised family pictures of you with your kids.  You need a new picture as the dynamics of your family have changed.  Smile when you want to, laugh when you want to, and make sure that your children know that you will always be there for them no matter what!  You can do anything thanks to google and youtube, or don't be afraid to ask others for help.

Love yourself for who you are and what you stand for.  You will be blessed for taking the higher road and will come out of this bump in the road as unscathed as you can.  I believe in you!!

Love,

PAIGE

Brian's Beard

I might be dead for this post in the morning....but I love the transformation of the Man's face and how different he looks in many of these pictures.

 Sunday night we were joking around and I talked Brian into shaving his face since he was going to have to by Tuesday to work in the Temple anyways.  

He looks like a totally different man but still hot none the less!

Many a laugh was had and even a few tears shed during this process it was so funny!!  His roommate even was giving him clothes to perfect a look.

Don't hate me Brian!! HAHAHAHA

Sister Hinckley

 “I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Food

It's the little things in life that make it worth living.  Something so simple as a really nice pizza dinner, fresh mozzarella, and gelato with someone who takes the time to really talk and listen to me.  And the fact that someone took the time to plan it all out and was willing.  I really enjoy people watching and it is fun to sometimes guess people's life stories, and even though I will never know the real story, sometimes it's fun to laugh and be a spectator in life.  I went to the grocery store today and enjoyed it for the first time in months.  It helped that I was not there shopping for myself but it was also neat to be with someone who wanted to be there.  It was not a chore for me.  I laughed in the grocery store, I don't know why that seems odd to me but it was actually quite enjoyable.  

Dating with 3 kids is a definitely interesting.  There are so many more factors that have to go into the picture.  Somehow in the long run things will work out the way that they are supposed to though.

I have learned that being surrounded by wonderful positive people makes life all the more worth wanting to live.  The family we are living with this month is extremely kind and patient.  At first I was a little bit scared to live with someone who is not related to me, but in actuality it has been a wonderful blessing.  I notice positive changes in myself and the boys and we have a roof over our heads.  There is even more calm in our lives and we are finding even more things to do to fill our time.  

There are times when I have felt like this in my life. The escalator to the right that goes up is closed announcing to everyone do not enter, the escalator in the middle coming down inviting anyone at the top to come down, and finally the stairs to the left allowing anyone who wants to put forth effort to climb either direction and get to their destination.  This was my view at the airport late Sunday night as I wanted to pick up a friend.  My mind seems to have gotten analytical lately.  It can be fun but also annoying.  I am just grateful to have a brain that thinks and feels and ponders the meaning or life sometimes.  I will spare you all my thoughts for the night, I am tired and thinking of way to many other things to make any of the important things make any sense.

I have focused lately on getting myself ready and into school in the fall. I have figured out the program and am waiting for the classes to open up so I can register for them.  We have settled into our new house and are starting to have a routine again.  We are going to the pool frequently, though the water is too cold for my liking it is fun to see the boys get in and explore and Kaden to be adventurous.  Hyrum is a fish and all over the place. Quinten still shivers because there is not an ounce of fat on his little body.  We are counting down the days until school is out and we get to go on our trip.  Hyrum is learning cursive in school. He is getting so tall as well. Today Kaden graduated from his school. He will keep going until the end of the school year, but thanks to his many wonderful teachers he has met all of his goals!  Quinten talks up a storm and is very independent. He also loves calling everyone "meanie head" or "poo poo head" and thinks its the ultimate insult.  The boys are wanting to go on dates with me more and I have to laugh at the little songs that they sing to me in the car.  

Today I was in the dressing room at Target trying on a few things, and Kaden starts singing "I'm sexy and I know it!" at the top of his lungs. He has no clue what the words mean but he knows the song and it was just impeccable his timing on singing the song. When I went out to return the clothes and give my number back, the man said, so I take it you liked what you tried on? Fun times, fun times with my boys.  We have our challenges but it's the small what could be insignificant moments that make me laugh and enjoy getting through the week. The smiles on their faces when then realize I really was listening to them while doing 20 other things which needed to be done. I LOVE being a mother. The late at night snuggles when all they want me for ME to hold them and be their pillow let me know that I am important to them.

No more Brae Valley

Moving day is over, done, finished!  I only have left to go through the suitcases and laundry baskets of clothes and I am all done with the Brae Valley house.  This has been the most emotionally draining move EVER....   It has lasted for months as I have constantly been going through my house getting rid of things and organizing.  This has been the longest that I have lived in any house in the last 9 years. I decorated and tried to make it my own but now I am happy to say I am done.  I will no longer be living in the number one sold house in the neighborhood. No longer living in a house that only one couple has come out of still married.  I think they should have added that to the sellers disclosure.  No matter what though I am at peace with how things have turned out.  Thanks to Kyle for stepping up and watching all the boys so I was able to get everything moved into the storage unit fairly quickly with the help of so many others.  I am so blessed to have the support of so many here in San Antonio, I am excited to be staying here.  I am glad that my family lives so close that we can make impromptu visits so the boys can play with their cousins.  Last night my mom enjoyed playing Grandma and watching all 6 grand kids so that Robbie and I were able to go out with friends.  The boys were able to have a slumber party and Hyrum has been thrilled to get to target shoot with Noah's bb gun.  Thanks Mom!  Today we are being spoiled with a turkey dinner. 

And because what is a post without a few pictures, here are some:

 Kaden was tired out from waking up early excited to help with the moving truck that he crashed out on the drive up to Austin.  He curled up in a little ball and was too cute to not document.

All of my belongings packed to the ceiling waiting to find a new home in July.  If anyone local knows of a good place in the medical center area please let me know!

It is my responsibility to be as happy as I can here TODAY!

Smile

You know there are times in my life where I wonder what I am supposed to be learning, and then I realize that yes in fact life is about learning new things, but it is also about having fun. Right now I am enjoying this having fun time.  When single parenting and dating, I have had to get pretty creative.  At first I thought it would throw a kink in the plans, but it has actually made me get more creative and figure out fun things to do once the boys go to bed.  There have been cooking lessons, rolling up the rug and dancing in the living room, star gazing out back using my phone to tell us what we are looking at.  Fun things that cost little to no money. And the beauty of knowing that my boys are tucked into their beds at a normal time and yet if they wake up needing me I am there to comfort them.  Here are some pictures in random order.

The mischievous TinTin and his gun. This gun was a wonderful investment for him. He hauls it or his "Target toy" everywhere he goes.

Sometimes the boys fall asleep in the car on the way home from taking Hyrum to scouts. I joke that they are on my side making it easy to get them to sleep that night and sometimes dates to start earlier.

Something that I am looking for in the next person that I get serious with is someone who enjoys cooking and helping my pretty basic palate enjoy new foods.  I like flavors of foods, but textures get to me. I know that this is a choice that technically I make to try or not try new foods, but it is fun to have someone who knows their way around the kitchen and who wants to be in there and doesn't expect for food to just be ready every night.  This was dinner last night. It is stuffed chicken breasts.  Note there is green baby spinach inside, red peppers, Gorgonzola cheese, and pecans.  I am not known to eat green foods.  But this chicken was delicious!  And we made extras so I was able to eat it for dinner tonight as well and savor the flavor.  I could definitely get used to this!! I also had squash and couscous.   Who needs restaurants when something this tasty can be made in my own house!!

This is my friend Matt Pruitt from way back in the day.  He went with me to the wedding in Vegas. He was the perfect date because he knew his way around and we had a fun time laughing and joking and I knew that I needn't worry about things going South.

I went out on Friday night when I was in Vegas to an art gallery dinner and then to a party.  My cousin curled my hair and I really liked it. I have yet to be able to reproduce the look on my own, but I am trying to learn.

At the Mandalay Bay after Devin's wedding. Heidi, Matt, and me.  The shoes were super cute but not very practical for walking a few miles in. By the end of the night I carried them as the blisters were not worth the look.

Dinner was at Smith & Wollensky.  By the end of the night I was in a food coma.

This deliciousness is oatmeal fudge bars.  Yet another thing I have made at my house.  Cooking is fun when you do it with a friend!

Heidi & I on our way to the wedding.  I love my sister!  She has been through a lot in her life and yet she is still an amazing example to me of courage and determination in living ones life righteously.  Sometimes I joke with her too much about the wrong subjects but when it comes down to it I am glad she is my sister and that we get to see each other as much as we do.  If she is not working and can find a good deal on tickets or is close enough to drive she is always up for an adventure.  She is awesome!  I love that I can talk to her any time of the day or the night.

This is Brian Bingham.  He is the one who has prepared these tasty meals and been hanging out with me at my house. He has helped me slowly crawl out of my shell that provides protection against all of my many trust issues. He is fun to talk to and not so bad looking on the eyes either.  I am enjoying getting to know this very intelligent, successful man who knows how to joke around and have fun. I don't know how things will end up between us or if they will progress any further....but I am so grateful for the time that I have had to learn that life is good and that it is ok to love myself the way that I am.  There is no rush for anything.  My strengths are my strengths and they make me who I am.  I am glad that I am not a jaded as a result of my divorce.

If you know of any good guys in the Austin, Houston, San Antonio areas that would be good for me to date, let me know. Once school starts this fall, I am going to be very busy.

Oh yes, I am no longer moving far away. I am going to stay here in San Antonio. I have mixed feelings on this but things are working out for me to stay here so in July I will find my own place to live and get settled again in time for school to start. I hope I don't regret this decision in a few months are my boys are exposed to lots of things which I do not agree with when they are with their Father, but at least I still have the option to move if I feel the need.  I am going to trust in the thoughts and impressions I receive in my prayers and keep living my life the best way that I know to and pray that the Lord makes up the difference in my boys lives. I am trying my hardest and know that that is the best that I can do.  I can honestly look back to 10 years ago and know that I would have made the same choices given the chance even with all I know now.  To say I wouldn't would mean that my boys would not be my boys and I would not have the testimony that I have.  I am so thankful that I am where I am not though and single able to make a new life for myself and my kids.  I love to laugh and smile and take care of myself and my boys.  There are days that I struggle when I think of the huge task that it really is, but I just have to break it down to smaller components and then I am not overwhelmed and trust that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to.

I don't have to be anything, I just have to be me.

I am back from a fun weekend in Las Vegas. The wedding was wonderful and it was great seeing my sisters, cousins, and friends. It was nice coming home to a smiling happy to see me face too.  I really think I need a vacation to recover from my vacation though. And instead I am starting to pack up the rest of the belongings in my house and enjoy dating again.  Yes, I think it is safe to say, my life is going really well right now.  Maybe an update with pictures will come next week once life calms down again.

memories

I was reading online about how to make places with bad memories not a place that you still hurt in and hide from.  I am actually starting to enjoy my house again. For awhile I felt like I was trapped in a safe place with horrible memories. That was sad to me because this house has lots of wonderful memories made in it as well, I just was not able to bring those to the front of my mind.  I am actually to a point where I am enjoying my house these last few weeks that I am living in it and making some crazy surprising decisions even to me.  Well, the decisions are not crazy but I just see my life taking a few twists and turns which I never even a few weeks would have imagined it taking.  I am enjoying the time spent with the people that help me create these new memories.  It is amazing to me how little bits of information and inspiration make decisions where I was struggling to finalize plans fall in to place.  I believe that I now have a plan and just need to get it moving.  It is so not what I had in mind a few weeks ago.

I am off to Las Vegas tomorrow for a wedding. I get to hang out with my sister Heidi and enjoy our good talks.  Last time I saw her we were both in odd points in our lives with feelings and emotions thanks to recent events. I am thankful to get to enjoy this upcoming weekend and also spend time with my cousins whom I haven't seen in a few years.  It has only been two months since my birthday and I am on my 7th trip.  I think I am well on my way to meeting my 30 trips while I am 30 goal.  Hooray!

And because I am excited for it, here is my new bed. It is not made up fancy right now, but still I feel like a grown up having a headboard now. I found a guy to build it for me off of craigslist. It's solid wood and super sturdy.

Friends

I have amazingly wonderful friends. They mean the world to me. Both guys and girls.  I am thankful for their thoughts and words even when I don't always want to hear what they have to say.  I am thankful for fiends who stay late talking to me about normal life things. I love being able to learn more things and for normal every day vocabulary to be more than that of my kids.  They are learning, but there is a long ways to go until they are adults and can have conversations about more than things little boys like to talk and giggle about. I don't see what is so funny about talking about butts and farts, I guess that's because I am a girl.

I got to go to my first hockey game this weekend. I learned that buying tickets from a scalper can get one amazing seats for a fraction of the original cost. We watched the rampage win in overtime right up in front of us.  It was exciting.

I also was able to add another trip to my counter for the year and will add on another trip this next week.  The boys were able to experience the Poteet Strawberry Festival which doesn't have many strawberries at it surprisingly enough. It is more of a carnival with a rodeo.  And when did carnival rides get so expensive?  

BE YOURSELF.  EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN.

Boys updates

 Hyrum went to the RiverWalk and Tower of the Americas for his school field trip this week. He loved that it was finally time for 2nd grade to get to miss school and do something cooler than Kaden's amusement park field trip.  He is playing soccer and really into scouts these days.  Hyrum is getting so big and really enjoying the fact that school is almost over. He is doing a count down until summer.

 Kaden is into the funny stage where he does and says things that crack me up.  Last night we were playing outside, Kaden said, "Hey Mom take my picture. That's what girl's do in the picture at the car place." Note to self, my kids are more observant than I thought!  He is in a wanting his picture taken all the time stage and my little helper and shadow.  Last weekend the boys spend time with their Dad, yet when Kaden was asked at school what he did, he told his teacher I helped my mom pack up her house and he drew a picture about it "because that's what nice boys do!"

Quinten is really into building with tools- my real ones escape from my tool box on a daily basis.  He fixes everything I never knew was broken.  He is talking up a storm and it is funny to hear him repeat certain phrases that the rest of us have said. It is surprising to hear out of a 2 year old's mouth.  He is also growing and sleeping in in the mornings.  He would rather be playing outside in the back yard or riding his new scooter that the package man brought him a few weeks ago.  Quinten has also taken a fascination with potty training himself though I am trying to hold off because a road trip with a newly potty trained boy does not sound like fun to me.

parable of the bikes

What is the old saying if you fall off a bike get right back up and try again...

The beautiful thing about learning is that nobody can take it away from you!

I started off my life with training wheels.  I had to get comfortable peddling and steering and under the watchful eye of my parents.  Then my dad made the training wheels so my bike would lean and I had to catch my balance.  I remember learning to ride my bike as the camels walked down the street in Dubai.

I upgraded to a pink banana seat bike that matched my sisters that my parents found at a garage sale.  I grew up and learned a lot about myself and what I wanted - at that time I thought I knew it all and exactly what I wanted and what was confirmed to me as what was right.  I followed through with that.  I rode that little pink bike to my hearts content all over the neighborhood and to the pool up until it was stolen and I had to walk home one day.

I got the constantly moving lifestyle that I was ok with at the time (27 moves in 9 years to be exact) life.  I knew nothing different and was ok with my life because I was happy with with my own self and the life I was living.  I didn't know I could have it any different and if I was living my life the way I thought to live it I probably would still be on that bike.

But I fell off that constantly moving bike and for a few months was scared about ever riding a bike again though I lead everyone to believe I was strong.  I was in fact riding on the back of a tandem bike being pulled along by the Lord, family and friends.  I am glad that the front rider had the strength to pull me along until I was able to pull my own weight.

Now I am successfully riding by myself again and enjoying this new pace that I have.  Thanks to the help of those around me I have already put myself out there to get back in the seat so to speak.  At first I felt very odd and out of place but as I have come to remember who I am and what I like to do it's been fun.  I love hearing myself laugh again.  It is fun to remember the little things about me that I gave up while riding that motorcycle.  Here's to many more fun activities and dates ahead!

Summer Vacation

I am loving that there are less than 2 months left of school and I can plan our summer vacation. My kids are going to see up and down the east coast. 

I have added in the Statue of Liberty.  Too bad the inside is closed for remodeling but at least they will get this view.

I found this cool picture online and it got me excited.  I remember when I was a little girl the boat ride over and how huge it seemed to me.  I am excited to see my kids faces through all these fun events.

I am throwing around the idea of taking them to Niagara Falls & Palmyra New York as well.  I figure I will be so close what's a few more hours.

Anyone know anything else around there we should definitely see?  Because I will be doing all of this in June we will miss the Hill Cumorah pageant and the 4th of July fireworks but it should still be a fun, learning adventure for us.  

Is ground zero a place kids would enjoy seeing or wait until another trip when they are older?  And I am for sure going to take them to the Empire State building too!

Something doable with me and the boys. It is a good thing they are used to road trips with me by now.  I have learned the little tricks to help them get through the day in the car that doesn't involve tons of sugary treats.

I am sure that I will need the month break while they are done with their Dad to recover from it all and to get settled in my new place now I just have to not pack in too much and run out of time so we can see our friends as well as the sights!

I know that Quinten will not remember this trip in the years to come, but hopefully Kaden will remember parts of it and I know that Hyrum will remember it. The boy remembers going to Tijuana to visit Grandpa JD and mopping the winding staircase outside when he was 3 1/2.

Now to just make sure that we all wake up on time these next few weeks and make it to school so that we can go on this trip.  Oh yes and we have to make it through packing and a move first as well.  I need to remember to not jump so far ahead of myself and plan for these other things too.  Priorities Paige, priorities!

Because we will be gone over Kaden's birthday, he is not going to get the birthday party he wants at the new HEB plus behind my house, so hopefully I can just take him in enough once it opens the end of the month he will be ok with it.  He has talked and planned with Hyrum & Quinten his birthday party there since they started building it last summer.  Or else I can plan it for a few weeks early, nothing wrong with a  4 years old's birthday party being 3 weeks early, right?  I have never known a kid who wanted their birthday party held at a grocery store, Kaden is good at being the first for everything.  Maybe I will go in over their grand opening and see if they would give him and a few friends a tour of the bakery or something like they do for field trips and we end up with cookies and cupcakes and the HEBuddy guy.  Anyone have any HEB connections?

Heaven Smiles Upon Me

"I can't change the past, but I can shape the future."  This talk was written for me this last weekend.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2012/04?lang=eng&vid=1540737900001&cid=9