Clutch Day

A friend in my last ward wrote about "clutch day" and said this “God will not let your husband get married without you.”  I enjoy her story and celebration of finding love.  One day I am sure I will have my own holiday to celebrate this way.  At least one can hope!

To read her story go here.

Looking ahead/Back

One week from today I will be on an airplane flying South to Peru.  Who knows, maybe I will get so lucky as to have a llama pose like this for me while I am there.  Before I go though I have lots of things to work on and need to finish getting everything ready for school for the fall for the boys and I.  July is half way over before I knew it and for that I am so grateful!

This week I have been paying attention to some crazy holidays like international kissing day, national chocolate day, national french fry day.  It has been fun.  I also have gone of 3 super fun dates with each of my boys.  Hyrum's by far finished off the week well though because he had the entire day planned down to calling me from day care to pick him up a few hours early so we could get a lunch date. He had us getting anything important done that I needed to for him first which included a trip to CostCo and the post office, then we played legos and had a nerf gun fight. We made strawberry jam and went to the lake to go kayaking and swim and finished up the night with an unplanned event of playing in the rain.  

I started out the month dreading this time alone, yet it has been nice to have the time to get many things done that would have taken much more time and effort with my boys around. It has also allowed me to have lots of time to think and play and focus on myself which doesn't happen very often.  I am grateful to be me.  Now if I could just love myself to get to sleep at a decent hour.

Routine

Nothing oh too exciting is happening in my life right now other then I am still unpacking, staying up way too late, and most mornings waking up way too early.  Every day I am finding more and more things at my house that have to be fixed, I have met some pretty nice repair people and me being who I am, ask lots of questions.  I have learned how to take apart a sink faucet and change the insides and also how to tighten a bolt to fix the water valve on the washing machine hook ups.  I love learning how to fix things!  The good news is that my house, the bad news is that everything is almost fixed and not having my boys leaves me with no excuse to not have my house put back together completely yet.  Oh wait, other than the fact that I have gone on some fun dates and made sure to not be a hermit crab inside my place.

 Yesterday I took this little guy out of daycare where he spends his daytime hours and we went on a date.  Where does my favorite 2 year old pick? HEB of course!  He said we needed to buy food and candy!  After that we spent the afternoon cleaning - once again his choice, and playing with hot wheels - this kid is quite the inventor!  The date ended surprising the other 2 boys and getting to take them all out to Kyle's.  I am a firm believer in the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I love my kids and have realized that even the little things like cutting fingernails can be a treat instead of a chore!

The 4th of July was an interesting day, I realized that holidays don't have to be jam packed full of entertaining and that it is ok to do simple projects around the house as well.  If not my own house, someone else's works too.  The night was spent watching the San Antonio Scorpions win.  After watching Hyrum play soccer for a few years now, and watching high school games it is nice to know more of the rules and follow the game better.  Sometimes it is fun to watch the players get in trouble and carded though because it adds some excitement to the game.  Watching the fireworks burst in the sky was a great way to end the night.  I don't know who came up with the idea that we should blow things up in the sky to celebrate our independence - but thank you!  I wish we could have fireworks every night of the year.  Maybe that is why my little sister Jenna loves working at Disney World so much.....

Home!

I had to wait 2 days to move into my new place.  The old renters were being evicted it turns out and they trashed the place.  The bad news is I had to wait 2 more days to move in, the good news is I got new paint and carpet out of the deal.

Well after some amazing help from many people I am all out of my storage unit and in my new house.  I slept here last night.  I love it!  It is so nice to see all of my things again.  I didn't think I would love having my stuff back as much as I did.  Though, I still think that is it not the stuff so much that I am excited to see as the fact that I am no longer in a transitional/homeless state.  

This picture has nothing to do with this post other than it has Heidi in it, and it needs to be included in the fact that she showed up at DisneyWorld with us! And I forgot to mention that Kaden was terrified of the Bug show.  He did not enjoy being sprayed and tickled and all the sensory things in the show.

I think it is safe to say I am a very happy girl today even though I am surrounded by boxes and need to figure out where to put it all.  That is the easy part and I have so many people who have offered to help me.  The awesomeness of my new house will be complete once I get my boys back the end of the month.  I am doing better but still really miss them.

Normal

Normal.  What is that? It is different for every single person.  Let me tell you what is not normal, not seeing one's kids for an entire month.  Whoever invented these rules I think was/is stupid.  It is not right, I am already going crazy missing my kids.  I am so grateful to have had the last month with them to soak in each of their spirits and to take care of them.  To feel of their love for me and others.  To watch them learn and grow.  Sure there were times they drove me crazy, they are boys, they do that, but tonight I am sad.

 Sad that I will miss out on their lives for the next month. Sad that I don't get to make sure Kaden wears his glasses every day.  Sad that I don't get to watch Hyrum grow taller by the minute.  Sad that I don't get to continue to witness the word explosions that Quinten is having.

But then thanks to the help of my sisters and a few friends I realized that I need to not dwell on the sadness.  I am grateful for the peace that comes from priesthood blessings.  For the realization that Heavenly Father knows my children's needs.  There are some fights worth fighting and I need to continue to fight for happiness in myself and doing what's right.  In time things will get easier, but not living with one's kids when they are young will never be "normal" to me.  

I am thankful for friends who are night owls with me and who know when to listen and just be there to offer a hug.  Even when I struggle, I am blessed.

Blind Date

I went on a blind date this last week.  It wasn't so bad, but it was interesting and I learned how truly blessed I am.  You see, it turns out this guy had been divorced 2-3 years ago.  He still looked to the past about what he had lost.  He kept asking me questions about my past and could not seem to figure out how I am happy.  I told him because it's a choice that I make every single day.  I see my own failed marriage in a totally different light.  I see all that I gained.  All that my boys gained.  All that I have to look forward to in life.  I have the opportunity to find someone who loves me for who I am. My boys now have extra people who love them.  Is it the ideal situation, no, far from it, but I am learning to embrace that which I cannot change and go with it.  Sometimes our plans are not the best plans it seems and we need to allow for flexibility in our lives.  Sometimes the new changes that come in to our lives are frustrating but we can conquer them and be better because of them.  Me, the over planned Paige, is learning that you can't plan everything.

I am grateful that I am young enough and smart enough to go back to school and that I have the opportunity to better myself.  Going to school while my boys are still young is definitely not my first choice, but I know that we will all be taken care of. Some way, some how bedtime will get easier and I will have time to study.  Everything else has started falling into place, I know I am not forgotten about.

  As I have a house in Idaho hoping to be completed short sale by the end of the month and one in San Antonio in foreclosure, I get to move into my new house TOMORROW.  I am blessed to soon have a place to call my own.  I am lucky enough to have the support of people at church who are willing to help me get moved in. After living out of a suitcase for the last 2 months and months of boxes before that wondering if I would due able to qualify for a place a all to having a small place to call my own I am euphoric.   Tomorrow night I get to sleep in my very own bed in my very own sheets.  I am so thankful to all those who have shared with my boys and I places to sleep these last 2 months, even though we have not had our own place, we have not been lacking a place to lay our head.

As much as at times I have struggled in my own mind, things are working out.  At times, friends have reminded me to not worry about that which is out of my control and I am thriving!  It comes as a little shock to me because the last week of October when I found Kyle's journal with his plan all written out, I thought my life was over....now I am seeing that it really has just begun.  I have already gone on 21 trips since my birthday in February and have more planned throughout the rest of the summer. I think it is safe to say that I will reach my goal well before I turn 31! 

Because of my lack of my own living arrangements I was able to have conversations with my boys that I might not have otherwise been able to have.  We have been able to make memories together and explore.  We focused on each other even more.  Hyrum was able to attend scout camp in 2 different states. Quinten too decided that he wanted to start potty training at Grandma B's house. That makes 3 boys trained at Grandma's house!  Good bye diapers!  Hopefully I get him back at the end of the month still in undies.  Kaden had 4 birthday parties in 4 different states.  I have been lucky enough to pick up 2 kayaks and take them out already.  

So blessed! So Mr. Blind Date man, take what life throws at you and run with it.  Sometimes what we envision as what is best for us and opens up doors to even bigger and better life experiences.  But, we do not always know best.  Live for today and for tomorrow but know that you are who you are because of the past.  It is ok to be happy no matter what ones relationship status is!  Laugh every day, laughter is vital in ones life. And finally embrace the sun and the outdoors, so much healing comes when we are surrounded by the beauty all around us.  Take pictures to be reminded by all that is wonderful around you. Pictures will help you remember when your mind gets cloudy at times.

And now because no post is complete without pictures, here are some of my favorites from the last month.  I am missing my boys so much already and I just dropped them off at Kyle's on Friday. Instead of moping that I don't have them, I am trying to pack my days full of fun activities and get other necessary things done for the fall.

Kaden ready to camp out in the tent with the big boys in Ohio.  He didn't last, but he was excited to try.

Hyrum & I on our date to see Brave!

Quinten at South Beach Miami.  "Mom, I'm a little sandy!"

Quinten at Disney World tall enough to ride the roller coasters and he loved every second of it!

Sleeping at Audrey & Colin's house.  I got the foot of the bed.

Hyrum said, "Mom, I want to move to Maryland or get a kayak."  We got a kayak!

Happy 4th Birthday Kade Man!

 Kaden sleeping with Daisy & Sammy. They remembered him.

 Quinten with his motorcycle.

Uncle Stu building sand castles with the boys. 

Hyrum perfecting his archery skills. He got 3 bulls-eyes while at scout camp in Houston, the most of any kid his age. To say he was excited is a bit of an understatement!