Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Hope & Fear

In the last 24 hours I have been referred to a specialist I never imagined would be a part of my own life.  Oncology.

I went in to the ER knowing that I was dehydrated from puking my guts out for a few hours and wanted IV fluids so I would feel good enough to go to school today.  I got my wish of the fluids and being able to go to school for half the day, but also some troubling news.  Lesions, cancer, bone metastases.  Fancy medical words that I know usually mean not good things.  More tests have been ordered, multiple vials of blood drawn, and now I wait for the future scheduled tests and their upcoming results.  I am 34 years old and a human pin cushion.

I do not know what exactly the future holds, I have wondered if the tests could be wrong, but have been assured they don't just tell you preliminary results if they are unsure.  Everyone wants to know more, including me.

I am trying to stay focused on school and keep living my life.  I told my Dad that I am the same person that I was 24 hours ago, but really I am not.  Now I am Paige, apparently fighting for my life, and I am scared.

However, I will survive!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

So I did something I said I wasn't going to do, I gave myself a Christmas present that will last me for awhile.  I changed my last name back to Buchanan.  I know I know, I said I would keep it because it is the same as my boys, but I got to thinking about it, and with going to school and the career path I have chosen I do not always want to be remembered as a Sinclair.  I do not want to give credit for my degree to a name that to me is filled with crummy feelings.  I still have great memories too but the way things ended and the way I am still treated I want to honor my own family name.  So as of mid-December I am officially back to Buchanan.  Going to court and standing before the judge it felt empowering.  It was like another layer of sadness lifted.  Another step towards the new and better Paige!




Sunday, December 29, 2013

New Year's Resolution

I was talking to a great friend over this Christmas break about goals and being that New Year's is coming up..... 
my New Years resolution is to not allow myself to become numb and hardened to all the crap that is going on with my life and to still find ways to smile and laugh my way through the adversities of life and enjoy the little small day to day adventures and joys that come my way.  I want to still be able to be me and not be as closed up and guarded because of past events and current problems.  And if I am not able to complete this goal this year, then I will keep working on it for years to come even after Mr Right for me comes into my life.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

In search of a "boring man"

I found this blog that I really like and want to remember it for the future.  Here is the link
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/11/the-real-truth-about-boring-men-and-the-women-who-live-with-them-redefining-boring/

The Real Truth about ‘Boring’ Men — and the Women who Live with Them: Redefining Boring

So not every guy proposes with lip syncing, rolling cameras, and a choreographed entourage.
Yeah —  so what if  your Dad didn’t?
He just pulled that beat-up Volkswagon Rabbit of his over in front of Murray Reesor’s hundred acre farm right there where Grey Township meets Elma Township, pulled out a little red velvet box, and whispered it in the snowy dark: “Marry me?”

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“He didn’t even get down on one knee or anything?”
You boys ask it incredulous, like there’s some kind of manual for this kind of holy.
And I’ve got no qualms in telling you no. No, he didn’t even get down on one knee – it was just a box, a glint of gold in the dark, two hallowed words and a question mark.
“Boring.”
I know. When you’ve watched a few dozen mastermind proposals on youtube, shared them with their rolling credits on Facebook, marvelling at how real romance has an imagination like that.
Can I tell you something, sons?
Romance isn’t measured by how viral your proposal goes. The internet age may try to sell you something different, but don’t ever forget that viral is closely associated with sickness – so don’t ever make being viral your goal.
Your goal is always to make your Christ-focus contagious – to just one person.
It’s more than just imagining some romantic proposal.
It’s a man who imagines washing puked-on sheets at 2:30 am, plunging out a full and plugged toilet for the third time this week, and then scraping out the crud in the bottom screen of the dishwasher — every single night for the next 37 years without any cameras rolling or soundtrack playing — that’s imagining true romance.
The man who imagines slipping his arm around his wife’s soft, thickening middle age waistline and whispering that he couldn’t love her more…. who imagines the manliness of standing bold and unashamed in the express checkout line with only maxi pads and tampons because someone he loves is having an unexpected Saturday morning emergency.
The man who imagines the coming decades of a fluid life – her leaking milky circles through a dress at Aunt Ruth’s birthday party, her wearing thick diaper-like Depends for soggy weeks after pushing a whole human being out through her inch-wide cervix, her bleeding through sheets and gushing amniotic oceans across the bathroom floor and the unexpected beauty of her crossing her legs everytime she jumps on the trampoline with the kids.
The real romantics imagine greying and sagging and wrinkling as the deepening of something sacred.
Because get this, kidsHow a man proposes isn’t what makes him romantic. It’s how a man purposes to lay down his life that makes him romantic.
And a man begins being romantic years before any ring – romance begins with only having eyes for one woman now – so you don’t go giving your eyes away to cheap porn. Your dad will say it sometimes to me, a leaning over – “I am glad that there’s always only been you.” Not some bare, plastic-surgeon-scalpel-enhanced pixels ballooning on a screen, not some tempting flesh clicked on in the dark, not some photo-shopped figment of cultural beauty that’s basically a lie.
The real romantics know that stretchmarks are beauty marks and that different shaped women fit into the different shapes of men souls and that real romance is really sacrifice.
I know – you’re thinking, “Boring.”
Can you see it again – how your grandfather stood over your grandmother’s grave and brushed away his heart leaking without a sound down his cheeks?
50 boring years. 50 unfilmed years of milking 70 cows, raising 6 boys and 3 girls, getting ready for sermon every Sunday morning, him helping her with her zipper. 50 boring years of arguing in Dutch and making up in touching in the dark, 50 boring years of planting potatoes and weeding rows on humid July afternoons, 50 boring years of washing the white Corel dishes and turning out the light on the mess – till he finally carried her in and out of the tub and helped her pull up her Depends.
Don’t ever forget it:
The real romantics are the boring ones — they let another heart bore a hole deep into theirs.
Be one of the boring ones. Pray to be one who get 50 boring years of marriage – 50 years to let her heart bore a hole deep into yours.
Let everyone do their talking about 50 shades of grey, but don’t let anyone talk you out of it: committment is pretty much black and white. Because the truth is, real love will always make you suffer. Simply commit: Who am I willing to suffer for?
Who am I willing to take the reeking garbage out for and clean out the gross muck ponding at the bottom of the fridge? Who am I willing to listen to instead of talk at? Who am I willing to hold as they grow older and realer? Who am I willing to die a bit more for every day? Who am I willing to make heart-boring years with? Who am I willing to let bore a hole into my heart?
Get it: Life – and marriage proposals — isn’t not about one up-manship — it’s about one down-manship. It’s about the heart-boring years of sacrifice and going lower and serving. It’s not about how well you perform your proposal. It’s about how well you let Christ perform your life.
Sure, go ahead, have fun, make a ridiculously good memory and we’ll cheer loud: propose creatively — but never forget that what wows a woman and woos her is you how you purpose to live your life.
I’m praying, boys — be Men. Be one of the ‘boring” men and let your heart be bore into. And know there are women who love that kind of man.
The kind of man whose romance isn’t flashy – because love is gritty.
The kind of man whose romance isn’t about cameras — because it’s about Christ.
The kind of man whose romance doesn’t have to go viral — because it’s going eternal.
No, your dad did not get down on one knee when he proposed – because the romantic men know it’s about living your whole life on your knees.
There are Fridays. And the quiet romantics who will take out the garbage without fanfare. There will be the unimaginative calendar by the fridge, with all it’s scribbled squares of two lives being made one. The toilet seat will be left predictably up. The sink will be resigned to its load of last night’s dishes.
And there is now and the beautiful boring, the way two lives touch and go deeper into time with each other.
The clock ticking passionately into decades.

End of a semester


Today was my last day of finals for the semester.  I have been worrying a bit as this semester I have turned into a procrastinating perfectionist.  After many a night where I have devoted extra time to my boys snuggling them to sleep, taking care of a sick child, or just playing and having fun with them I found myself at a place where I realized my straight A's were probably lost.  Thanks to a great conversation with a close friend and other comments on facebook I realized that it will be ok.  Grades are just that, grades.  In the end I need to do what I need to do to graduate and continue on in school.  And in the end the letter grade is not the most important thing, making sure that my boys emotional, physical, and spiritual well being is.  Plus is there really anything wrong with B's anyways?  Now to wait for my grades to be posted next week. . .

Sunday, December 1, 2013

A kiss

Today has been the perfect ending to our Thanksgiving break.  We started out visiting a friend's ward where Hyrum was originally worried he wouldn't know anyone.  When I picked him up, he asked if we could visit again because he knew a few of the boys in his primary class from cub scouts.  I have been able to watch the 2 movies I am required to watch for school and work on my paper that is due tonight.  The movies are not love stories, but have an element of romance in them and it is funny when the couples kiss to see Hyrum glance over at me and roll his eyes.  Kaden and Quinten ask me when it will be my turn to fall in love and kiss on the lips.  They both are convinced that if you kiss on the lips you will get married and are in love.

I have had the opportunity to go on a few dates with different guys in the last few months and it is interesting as I evaluate them in my mind after going out with them.  I have come to the conclusion that I want someone who is my friend first and then it turns into a romantic relationship next.  I want to find someone who will talk to me and listen and who enjoys reading and has life plans and goals for the future.  I want someone who encourages me to make correct choices and I don't feel like I am being ignored and just a piece of meat.  I want someone who knows that my love languages are quality time and acts of service and knows how to effectively implement them in our relationship.  I want to be important and loved and someone who will be the "Terry Eleiott" for my boys.  I want to find someone who will play tourist with me no matter what town or city we are in.  I want someone who is willing to come to me and doesn't always make me go to them.

After a lot of pondering and grief, it is safe to say I am in a position once again where I am willing to open my heart and give it my all and see what is returned.  I am looking for the thrills that life has to offer me.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!
This year I have so many things to be thankful for... I am so glad to get to be the mother to these boys.  They truly are a piece of my heart walking around outside my body.  I love watching them learn new things and the way they can make me laugh.  I love their inappropriate humor jokes but not the name calling.  I have to try to hide my smile and be a good example for them.  I love that Quinten when he flips a coin says heads or Temples?  And also that he says if you kiss on the lips you are going to get maw-wied and then he kisses me on the lips and tells me he is mine forever.  I will be so sad when his little lisp is gone.  I love that Kaden has taken it upon himself to make sure that Quinten doesn't eat anything that he is allergic to.  I love that Hyrum will read books to his little brothers and makes up silly games that all the boys can play.  I love the late nights of staying awake with Hyrum catching the end of a football game or playing cards in his bed with him.  I love that Quinten will beg me to find his tickle spots and laugh deep to his core when I tickle him.  I love that when Kaden realizes people are noticing what he is doing that he embarrassedly covers his mouth and lets out a little giggle.  I love that Hyrum has finally realized that even though he doesn't get the same things as his little brothers, that sometimes the alternatives that he does receive can be better for him.  Sure there are many a crazy day when I wish that life was calm and quiet, but the days when my boys are gone I miss their loud, obnoxious ways.  I love the way they can all make me smile and that they wrap their not so little hands around my face and give me kisses and hugs.  Messes and all, I love these little boys.


Sunday, November 17, 2013



My little buddy is already planning his birthday party. He is so funny.  As he plans his party, the food is the most important thing to him.  He wants his friends to eat frosted flakes, cinnamon toast crunch, drink orange juice and for dessert he wants them to eat bacon and have little oranges.  All of these things (plus more) are foods he is allergic to.  When I ask him about this, he tells me that he is hoping that since it is his birthday his friends will be nice and share with him.  Apparently he really misses the foods that have the potential to kill him.  Finding substitutes for the favorites is not as easy task...however I am determined to help my little TinTin have the best 4th birthday party ever.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

hello November

I have failed to keep my blog updated.  Life has gotten super busy in more ways than I ever imagined.  To catch up to today, here are a few of the summer and early fall high lights.

Once I got the boys back I decided we were going to spend those 3 weeks redeeming the summer.  Every day I let the boys decide what they wanted to do and we went with it. On days where they didn't know what they wanted to do, I suggested some fun ideas. 

Boerne lake for kayaking and a BBQ with friends.
Hyrum earned his bear for cub scouts and many arrow points, this kid is motivated to get finished fast!
The chalk festival downtown was a hit. Quinten loves all things spooky (except for real spiders) and wanted to invite this guy to be the "show" at his birthday party in December.
Aunt Heidi came for a week in the summer and did Aunt Heidi camp.
Hyrum rode the Iron Rattler twice!  He didn't want to at first, but he learned that sometimes scary things can be ok.  I took each of the boys on their own date to Fiesta Texas and they got to choose whatever rides they wanted to ride.
First day of 4th grade and Kinder.  The older boys were not happy because they started a week before their friends.  TinTin is thrilled because it was his lucky day for our date at Fiesta Texas.
The end of Aunt Heidi camp. They all got numbered shirts.
Cave without a name. They loved climbing "inside of a mountain"
Texas summers are made for swimming in rivers and having fun on rope swings. This is Monkey Island.
Kaden's day at Fiesta Texas. He planned it all out on the map and wanted to get the best use of his time, he is definitely my child!
I traded in my van this summer and while I was doing so, TinTin got the pleasure of testing out all the off road vehicles and motorcycles they sold at the dealership.
Halloween at cub scouts.
September was a month of sickness at our house. Kaden ended up in the children's hospital for a night and is having a follow up procedure Thanksgiving week to scope his throat to see why he keeps getting croup.
Quinten happened to have a trip to the ER earlier int eh same week that Kaden did.  His poor face got hives and we found out he has a lot of food allergies.  All the boys have stepped it up and try to protect him from eating foods he shouldn't.  He has a soccer ball necklace with all the foods he is allergic to on it.
Our annual tradition of going to the corn maze.
Hiking Mt Bonnel in Austin.  The boys did not want to leave Austin this time without a hike.  They said it's not fair I always go without them so now they have had their turn.  I think they enjoyed more pulling themselves up the stair rails and watching the speed boats in the river below more than the actual hike though.

I am leaving many things out, but instagram is so much faster these days.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Happy 5th Birthday Kaden!

Kaden turned 5 on June 13th.  Thanks to the amazing Aunt Heidi he was able to pick out whatever he wanted for breakfast, and lunch - I had to go to school.  We went tubing on the Comal River where it ended up raining and being freezing cold, but it was still fun.  I like helping my boys try new adventures.  We had a fun birthday dinner with Uncle Robbie & Aunt April up in Austin too.


5 Things I love about Kaden
1- Kaden is wild and crazy but still has a shy side to him.
2- Kaden is sensitive to other people's feelings and wants to please.  I tell him all the time that he is my special helper.
3- Kaden is a great friend to all.  If Kade Man feels safe then he can become friends with anyone.  He is always quick to say please and thank you too.
4- Kaden is very methodical.  Kaden loves having order and things in their right places.  He is definitely my kid!
5- He is snuggly.  Kaden loves snuggling up and being close.

Summer preview

Sometimes you just need your family!

After a fun filled weekend at Grandma's, we got home to Grandpa coming for a visit.  My Dad came to help me watch the boys for a week.  I think his timing being here was perfect, he helped me watch all my health videos for my May-mester class and I think it is safe to say he got more out of it than me.  It was nice having someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of for my class and to help me figure out my new classes.  My Dad is a very smart man, I might not always understand the way he teaches, but he is definitely someone fun to have around.  The boys enjoyed spending time with Grandpa and kept calling him Grandpa JD (my Dad's dad who recently passed away) at times.

My Dad left for the weekend and Aunt Heidi came to town.  She spent so much time setting up Camp Aunt Heidi.  She planned all sorts of fun ideas for the boys, and my brother's kids as well.  You can read the play by play over on her blog here.  She already talked to the boys about what they are going to do next year.  They tell me they are flying on an airplane!  The saddest part for me was when she left and Kaden woke up the next morning asking where Aunt Heidi was.  Thanks Heidi for all you did for the boys, you are truly super woman! 

Aunt Heidi left and Aunt Heather flew into town.  She is here helping until the end of the month.  So far they have made cookies, rode bikes, and relaxed.  The boys have asked to do just that.  She has some fun plans brewing too.  Thanks to Aunt Heather's new ipad when I am gone to school way too late I am able to facetime with the boys.  Thank you Steve Jobs!

I am swamped with school deadlines during the week but have managed to play most weekends so far.  Sitting for 8-10 hours a day in a gray room with no windows and a fifteen minute break makes for some very long days.  I am so grateful for my family stepping in and making it possible for me to continue my schooling.  School is definitely a challenge and I could probably stand to put more time and effort into my studies, but it is the summer and I'm realizing it's ok to settle for As and Bs.

Lest you think the other aunts and uncle are left out, we have had trips or face-timed with them at least weekly.  Like I said, sometimes you just need family!  Looking back I don't know what I was thinking when I signed up for as many hours as I did, but I will make it through and be that much closer to graduating.

Here are pictures I had taken for Mother's Day.  
 This one shows the boys personalities.  Hyrum attempting to keep a straight face and not be embarrassed by his little brothers.  Kaden laughing at something he did or said.  Quinten waiting for the perfect opportunity to bolt.

 Kaden

 Hyrum
 Quinten & I.  TinTin took a nap on the way to pictures, so he was not wanting his picture taken very much or wanted to cling to me and not leave my side.
 We tried for a piling up picture, at first we didn't think it was going too well, then this picture was captured.  I love it!
 Me and my team of crazies.  Without these boys, life would be boring.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

we are alive!

I guess it is time to update the old blog again now that school is out!  This semester sure has been a crazy busy one.  I have survived 3 kids with a week of pink eye at the same time, one tonsillectomy, 3 different bouts of the same child with ear infections, numerous colds and runny noses, 2 boys with croup, losing my own voice two separate times, last week was my Grandpa JD's funeral in Oregon, 2 confirmed cases of pneumonia and one asthma attack at my house and yet I have had friends step up again and help me with my boys & food when I couldn't take any more time off and I'm exhausted. Through this all, I managed to work hard and get straight As while taking 16 hours of school.   We managed to squeeze in some fun trips as well.

I am at my mom's house for Memorial Day weekend and she has been asking me what I have learned this semester.  The thing that sticks out to me the most is not that the academics, but the fact that I was able to keep my head above water and succeed.  I know that I could not have done what I did without the help of my Father in Heaven.  I am grateful for the lessons I have learned that I can stand on my own 2 feet.

I am thankful for all the help I can get because I am cramming in 15 hours during this first term of summer school.  6 weeks of craziness, but if this semester goes like the rest, the time will be over before I know it.  We have all sorts of fun trips planned for June and August so watch for us possibly driving to a town near you.

Hyrum is wrapping up 3rd grade and if you ask him about school will tell you that he has mastered the multiplication standard and passed the STARR test.  He is ready for summer vacation because he doesn't think it is fair that his little brothers are finished with school 3 weeks before him.  Hyrum has also enjoyed the benefits of being older and starting to work.  In the last week he has worked many hot hours in the San Antonio sun mowing laws.  He had 3 jobs in a week and another this weekend at Grandma's house.  He has a goal to save up to buy a segway.  He is also still talking about joining the Army when he grows up and starting to wonder what he has to do to get into West Point.

Kaden finished up preschool with his wonderful teachers Mrs. Pena and Mrs Crystal.  He learned so much during this last year and I pray that he is ready for kindergarten in the fall.  He does not turn 5 until mid June so he will be one of the youngest in his class.  He and Hyrum were lucky enough to draw slots in the lottery for the charter school near our house for next year.  I trust that things will work out for them both as things are falling into place.

Quinten still my crazy free loving child.  He is witty and can always make you smile.  He too finished up the school year with amazing teachers.  He loves Mrs. Cindy and Mrs. Maltos.  He tested 2 years above his age in many things.  He is still attached to Snowey Bear and drags him around with him any time he is allowed.  TinTin also LOVES gum.  If you want him to talk, talk to him about gum, but be warned once you get him started talking about it, you will never hear the end of it.

And now what my family has been waiting for, pictures


 Kaden giving my SpiderMan kisses through the gates at school.
 TinTin being his usual fearless self.
 Hyrum getting his first segway lesson from our friends.
 Kaden enjoying the roller coasters at Circus Circus during our trip to Vegas for Spring Break.  When you ask him what his favorite thing about his Mom it is that I take him to roller coasters.  When we go on special dates he asks for us to be able to ride more.
Quinten wants to fall asleep holding my hand.  If I can get him to lay still he will grab y hand and quickly pass out for the night.
 Our adventure to Vegas.
Hyrum wants a surf board for Christmas.  
 My hard working 9 year old!
 We went to the beach Saturday night and Quinten slept in the van the entire time because we wiped him out walking at NASA earlier in the day.  He was awake for the fairy boat ride that night though and was cute when after riding across he asked when we were going to get on our "cruise ship" and ride back.
Waiting for the waves to come in.  This picture makes them look teeny tiny, but for Galveston they were actually on yellow flag for the evening because of wave height.  I love love love what water does for Hyrum.  It calms him like nothing else can.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Family Portrait

For Kaden & Quinten's school I have to do hours of service time with them. There are story books that come home that we read then we do an assignment about it. For this one, we read a book about Clifford's family then Kaden had to draw a picture of his family.

I find it interesting that this is how he draws his family and the parts of our bodies that he chooses to accentuate.  I also think he wanted to make sure Quinten knows he is the baby of the family and so he drew him "teeny-tiny because he will always be a baby."  This is important to Kaden because as he notices Quinten wearing clothes that he (Kaden) used to wear that he worries Quinten will soon pass him up.

2013 Foam Run

Saturday was a fun day.  I was kid free and had a blast in the Foam Run with my friends.
I hurt my right knee a few weeks ago doing something stupid so it had been sore and bruised up but this was something I was not gong to miss!  I to run almost the entire first mile until it was sending tingles down my leg so I walked between obstacles but I finished.  It wasn't timed but was fun. There as more mud than I expected and we got super dirty, but that added to the fun of it.
Pre-Race
Post Race Jumping




The bubbles that were blowing off the starting line were awesome.  Almost as fun as the race.  None of us had a waterproof camera so we are waiting on the professional pictures still.



Post Race

Then the day wasn't over because the car overheated on the way home and we got towed home.  It was a fun, exhausting day. I don't know why I never signed up for these things before!