Match Maker Match Maker Make Me a Match

So usually I am a pretty positive person, this post will not be that.  Skip it if you don't want to hear me complain.

I am tired of being taking a look at my body and starting to talk to me and asking about me and when they find out that I have 3 kids looking at me like I am a crazy freak!  Granted, it makes the decision of whether or not I want to keep talking to the person much easier, even makes me question do I even want to get to know the person as a friend.  I am also tired of being told that it only takes one person to change a person from single to married but really, I don't want to hear it.  I know that is true.

I am not going to keep it a secret that I have kids.  I am a package deal.  You get me, you get them.  I don't feel it is right to spring that information on a person after going out with them a few times.  Plus, I love my boys and am proud to be their mother.  They are a part of me.

I am not in a rush to get married, I've been there, done that, but I would like to date and have fun and be wanted for more than my body.  I do not like being propositioned and chased after and fear what can happen to me.  I am grateful for friends who get me out of tricky situations though.  Don't et me wrong, looks are an important factor in dating but they are not everything.  Personality pays a big part as well.

I am more selective though and I can't "date down" so much.  I have an 8 year old.  I am worried that potentially someone could want me to hurt my kids.  That is a very real fear to me.

Like I said in my last post, a new standard has been set, the bar has been significantly raised.  I am so thankful for this, but it makes things even more complicated.  I am thankful to know what I one day can have and more!  I am thankful for this trip with my boys to be able to focus on myself and them and hopefully get over my own feelings.

So I guess what I have to say is I am single, and know that I need to network, there are tons of people who read my blog and never comment.  If you know of anyone who you think I might connect with, please let me know.  And if you happen to know someone who is in my situation, do them a favor and have fun playing match maker.  I have set up a few friends in the past, and it really can be a fun experience even if it doesn't work out in the end.

And if you don't hear from me in awhile, we are starting our vacation tomorrow.  It has been cut short as people only think of themselves, but we are determined to make the best of the time that we have.  I will be back Father's Day weekend and would love to make some new friends and possibly go on a few dates.  I should be ready by then.

Judge me how you may, these are my honest thoughts tonight.

Oh, and the picture above was taken this last weekend.  The tree looked awesome surrounded in the field by the little yellow flowers.  I wished I was driving and had a blanket and would have pulled over to take a little nap.

Dreams

It is interesting how life works sometimes.  I love seeing the hand of the Lord in my life.  I do not always understand it, but I am thankful for normal people and events that happen in my life!

Last night I started planning a quick trip to Utah for this weekend and changed my mind right before hitting purchase.  I realized I could plan an even better trip if I was just patient and didn't make a sporadic decision.  I could get to travel with Heidi and make it to one of my dream destination locations since I was a teenager.  I have been hearing and seeing many people getting to go to Machu Picchu already this summer.  For the same cost as my last minute trip to Utah with my airlines miles I should be able to squeeze in this same trip with advance planning.

I have tried to figure out how to not go crazy during the month of July being kid free.  I am trying to plan ahead like I usually do.  I know I am going to miss my boys like crazy!  My plans don't always pan out the way I like them to, but it doesn't stop me from continuing to make them.  

I need to stop focusing on what could have been and what still can be in the future.  I know that I was given in my life what I needed at the time.  Healthy, safe, affectionate, admirable, peaceful.  The example that was set for me is a precedence of what I will look for in the future.  I have learned a tremendous amount about myself in the last 2 months while dating Brian.  Sometimes we do not understand why things work out or don't work out the way they do.  But today I am sad but so extremely thankful.  Thankful for ordinary.  Thankful for comfortable.  Thankful for honesty.  Thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and my needs.  I know why I have had what I have had.  I am not forgotten about, I am loved.

The "game" of dating is a strange one.  It is hard for me.  In dating these days you have to have a sensor.  Having a sensor is hard after being married for so long.  It is a definite mental switch.  I enjoy dating but not so much when things don't work out.  And life is real and I am back in the swing of things and looking for someone new that might catch my eye.

And so even when I wanted to feel like Kaden I can't.  I enjoy smiling and laughing so much.  I love living life and meeting new people who come into it.  I am blessed and not forgotten about!  Now I also can focus on myself and my boys again and not be too distracted (in theory at least).

Never give up on good dreams, the second you stop fighting for them, you've lost all hope.

Gate C22

I found this poem on a blog that I follow. I really enjoyed reading it so I thought I would share.  One day I will be the woman in this story!

Gate C22

by Ellen Bass

At gate C22 in the Portland airport

a man in a broad-band leather hat kissed

a woman arriving from Orange County.

They kissed and kissed and kissed. Long after

the other passengers clicked the handles of their carry-ons

and wheeled briskly toward short-term parking,

the couple stood there, arms wrapped around each other

like he’d just staggered off the boat at Ellis Island,

like she’d been released at last from ICU, snapped

out of a coma, survived bone cancer, made it down

from Annapurna in only the clothes she was wearing.

Neither of them was young. His beard was gray.

She carried a few extra pounds you could imagine

her saying she had to lose. But they kissed lavish

kisses like the ocean in the early morning,

the way it gathers and swells, sucking

each rock under, swallowing it

again and again. We were all watching–

passengers waiting for the delayed flight

to San Jose, the stewardesses, the pilots,

the aproned woman icing Cinnabons, the man selling

sunglasses. We couldn’t look away. We could

taste the kisses crushed in our mouths.

But the best part was his face. When he drew back

and looked at her, his smile soft with wonder, almost

as though he were a mother still open from giving birth,

as your mother must have looked at you, no matter

what happened after–if she beat you or left you or

you’re lonely now–you once lay there, the vernix

not yet wiped off, and someone gazed at you

as if you were the first sunrise seen from the Earth.

The whole wing of the airport hushed,

all of us trying to slip into that woman’s middle-aged body,

her plaid Bermuda shorts, sleeveless blouse, glasses,

little gold hoop earrings, tilting our heads up.

SLEEP!

I heard this from a friend, who read it on a bumper sticker. "Some days all I want to be is a missing person."  This week I have been feeling like it at bedtime.  Getting the box fed and ready for bed is easy but this week they have decided to give me a run for my money and refuse to fall asleep.  

I started the post a few nights ago.  I had actually made the choice to go to bed early again.  Kaden woke up with a barking seal cough and I knew that he would need a breathing treatment.  What is a single parent supposed to do when they have one sick needing medical attention child and 2 others asleep.  Luckily Kyle answered his phone and was able to get Kaden a breathing treatment.  Prayers were answered that night and Kaden is on the mend.

While on the topic of sleep, last night I fell asleep putting the boys to sleep and my body woke up on it's own at 2 in the morning, I guess it figured it had the usual 5 hours of sleep and it was time to wake up. Little did it know that I could sleep for an additional 4 1/2 hours.  I tried everything I could think of and ended up out checking the stars.  If you ever are in need of a star tracking app I recommend star walk.  It shows on so many different levels the stars in the sky and when it is dark and a clear sky there are many to be seen.  I have used it a few times before but I actually figured it out and it was really neat.  Maybe I will save up my money and get myself a telescope one of these days.

The Gift of Time

The time is NOW to let others know how you really feel about them.  Just remember you can share those feelings in a kind way even if it is a feeling of dislike.

I am trying to figure out how to better let me boys know that I am here for them now but that I still have to take care of myself and my time is important too.  I give up a lot of myself to make their lives easier, and now I am wondering if maybe I am sabotaging them unintentionally.  The next few weeks I am setting a goal to have them help out more and to move a little bit slower and not be so rushed to get places and hope that if there is not such a rush to get everywhere that we can all be a little bit more helpful and find more peace.  Wish me luck!

There are nights when my boys talk in their sleep and I cringe at what I hear.

The paperwork - The letter

I have had a few friends ask me for advice on what to say to their friends who have just been served with divorce paperwork, so I decided to write out my thoughts so anyone could see what I would say.  I have shared this and more with some friends already.  These are my thoughts now that my divorce is final and I have received the 2 most expensive pieces of paper of my life.

**************

So I started out writing a completely different letter. The advice that I would give you right now, after a pretty crazy post divorce day is that single parenting is challenging, but you can do it!  Make sure and have a great support group, you may have a few good friends now, but they will become lifesavers on a particularly stressful day.  Also while on the topic of friends, this will be a discovery period for you.  You will find who is a true friend and who just enjoys the drama.  Look towards those great and wonderful friends, and if a new person reached out to you, give them a chance; they could turn into one of your best friends!  Even though there may be people in your husband’s family whom you like and are on your side, distance yourself from them.  You need to have that break.  Families usually stick by their own and now you will be an outcast.

Don’t keep what you are going through a secret, don’t go out of your way to broadcast all the details to everyone, have a few close friends who you can vent to and receive feedback from.  At the same time, don’t be afraid to tell someone that there is more to you and who you are than your relationship, or lack thereof with your soon to be ex-husband.  There were days when I had to ask family and friends to talk about other topics.  When they ask you, they are not wanting to be nosey, they are just curious as many of them have not experienced it themselves and they don’t understand the complete 180 a person can make.

Take the time to look outside of yourself and serve others, serving others will help you to realize that there are other people in the world who are worse off than you.  Yes, the situation you are in totally does suck and no one I know who has experienced it would wish divorce on their worst enemy, but it will not kill you.  You can come out of this experience a stronger person and even surprise yourself with all that you are capable of doing!  The lady that I have cut my hair handed me a people magazine one day and told me to read it to get my thoughts on other people’s problems to forget my own.  It worked, but I think that service is a wonderful option as well!

No one goes into a marriage hoping it will end in divorce, that would be crazy – you would never have gotten married to begin with.  But as a result of our free agency you are put in this situation.  You have the choice to allow it to make or break you.  I choose to allow it to mold me into a stronger person; I hope you make the same choice.  There will be many times where you struggle with why me, but look at it as you are not being punished.  Why not you?  You are given this opportunity to learn and have a chance at a better life and relationship with a person whom it truly devoted to you.  Heavenly Father has not forgotten about you in this time of your life and you will find very many tender mercies if you are looking with a positive outlook.

Remember to pray for things.  But remember to pray for more than just your failing marriage.  It was not all you focused on pre divorce paperwork, why the sole focus now?  Read your scriptures and truly delve into them.  On nights when I was having a hard time falling asleep or with bad dreams, I would read my scriptures even if just a few verses and I would sleep more soundly through the night.

Find a good counselor and take the time to counsel with your Bishop. My Bishop a few times asked if meeting him was helping me, I assured him that yes it was.  Knowing that I was meeting with a man who was called of God to be over me brought me comfort even if most of the times I was the one speaking.  Sometimes just the questions that were asked got me thinking for the next few weeks and made me look at life in an entirely new way.  I am forever grateful to my counselor and my Bishop for keeping me sane and laughing through the hard times.  Also be willing to ask for blessings if you feel the need.

Take the time to make new traditions and hobbies for yourself and your kids.  Continue some of the old ones if you want to, but not if they will have painful memories of what was.  There is no point dwelling on the old and the past unless you want yourself to hurt more and to not emotionally heal.  Allow yourself to feel and experience all of the emotions that are going through your body but set a time limit.  You don’t want to live life moping around.

For your children’s sake, allow them to have a picture of them with their dad but not a family picture of all of you together.  File those old family pictures away for when they are older and might want them.  You will be tempted to get rid of everything of you together, I have had friends who have done that, but now a few years back they wished they had kept something for their kids.  Take old family pictures off your computer, no good will come from scrolling through them.  You will not feel any better.  It is ok to remember the good with the bad but remember that you did have so many years of great times and that too has shaped you into the woman that you are.

When food stops tasting good, force yourself to eat.  You can’t be your best self and the best mother that you know how to be if you are not physically taking care of yourself.  Tell others around you about your lack of desire to eat and ask them to kindly help you eat.  Try new foods and go out of your comfort zone in this area.  Learn to make new foods so you don’t have the same constant memories with the meals as before.  Exercise.

My life is what it is, and it is wonderful!  I am who I am because of all that I have experienced and I know that my first marriage was and is still a blessing in my life. I would not go back and change things about it.  I lived my life the best way that I knew how to.  Was I perfect, far from it! I am human and I made plenty of mistakes.  Allow the Atonement to be a part of your life, truly search the scriptures in the quiet moments of the night.  How could Christ have died for our sins and those of others if he did not know how we would respond and react to different circumstances in our lives?  Start praying for forgiveness now.

Make yourself make plans for the future, they don’t have to be concrete plans, but having a future goal you are reaching towards will give you a new purpose in your life and will feel wonderful when you, in time, have reached that goal.  Then make sure you set new ones.

When your divorce is totally final and you have gotten to the point where you are ready to date, don’t throw yourself at any guy that comes along.  Give all guys one chance because you might be pleasantly surprised when someone has the qualities and traits you were wanting in a person.  Take the time to make yourself feel attractive even if money is tight you will be glad that you did!  It will feel odd when you kiss a new guy for the first time after years with the husband but it is thrilling and exciting too.  You might feel naughty at first, but it is better than being a teenager!  Be careful though because you have so much more power than you realized you did as a teenager.  Read for the strength of youth and draw your lines and choose to stick to them before you even go out with a man.

Heavenly Father is a God of love, he wants us to be happy and he will bless you with all that you stand in need of and are deserving of.  There will come a time when you will see your (ex)husband in an entirely new light and there is not that same attraction and pull, still treat him kindly and with respect.  There were many times that I took the cheap shots offered to me and it didn’t make me feel better.  There will be many things that you will not understand, stop trying, you will only make yourself crazy!  There will be many things that will be out of your control, don’t focus on those things.  Try not to tell your children bad things about their father, he is still their father whether or not he is being a positive example or not.

Work on being the healthiest, happiest you that you can be.  Figure out a few new hobbies, or allow yourself the time to get back into old hobbies that you allowed to die for the season in your marriage relationship.  You will feel better doing these things and it will help you to have a distraction of all the other thoughts in your mind.  Do not do things wishing to have your husband back, there is no need for manipulation and trickery, but it is ok to dress nicely and have your act together at times when he will come over to pick up your kids.  Treat your relationship with him as a business deal. Need to know information.  And know that even once the divorce is final, they will still know how to push your buttons.

And finally, take revised family pictures of you with your kids.  You need a new picture as the dynamics of your family have changed.  Smile when you want to, laugh when you want to, and make sure that your children know that you will always be there for them no matter what!  You can do anything thanks to google and youtube, or don't be afraid to ask others for help.

Love yourself for who you are and what you stand for.  You will be blessed for taking the higher road and will come out of this bump in the road as unscathed as you can.  I believe in you!!

Love,

PAIGE

Brian's Beard

I might be dead for this post in the morning....but I love the transformation of the Man's face and how different he looks in many of these pictures.

 Sunday night we were joking around and I talked Brian into shaving his face since he was going to have to by Tuesday to work in the Temple anyways.  

He looks like a totally different man but still hot none the less!

Many a laugh was had and even a few tears shed during this process it was so funny!!  His roommate even was giving him clothes to perfect a look.

Don't hate me Brian!! HAHAHAHA

Sister Hinckley

 “I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Food

It's the little things in life that make it worth living.  Something so simple as a really nice pizza dinner, fresh mozzarella, and gelato with someone who takes the time to really talk and listen to me.  And the fact that someone took the time to plan it all out and was willing.  I really enjoy people watching and it is fun to sometimes guess people's life stories, and even though I will never know the real story, sometimes it's fun to laugh and be a spectator in life.  I went to the grocery store today and enjoyed it for the first time in months.  It helped that I was not there shopping for myself but it was also neat to be with someone who wanted to be there.  It was not a chore for me.  I laughed in the grocery store, I don't know why that seems odd to me but it was actually quite enjoyable.  

Dating with 3 kids is a definitely interesting.  There are so many more factors that have to go into the picture.  Somehow in the long run things will work out the way that they are supposed to though.

I have learned that being surrounded by wonderful positive people makes life all the more worth wanting to live.  The family we are living with this month is extremely kind and patient.  At first I was a little bit scared to live with someone who is not related to me, but in actuality it has been a wonderful blessing.  I notice positive changes in myself and the boys and we have a roof over our heads.  There is even more calm in our lives and we are finding even more things to do to fill our time.  

There are times when I have felt like this in my life. The escalator to the right that goes up is closed announcing to everyone do not enter, the escalator in the middle coming down inviting anyone at the top to come down, and finally the stairs to the left allowing anyone who wants to put forth effort to climb either direction and get to their destination.  This was my view at the airport late Sunday night as I wanted to pick up a friend.  My mind seems to have gotten analytical lately.  It can be fun but also annoying.  I am just grateful to have a brain that thinks and feels and ponders the meaning or life sometimes.  I will spare you all my thoughts for the night, I am tired and thinking of way to many other things to make any of the important things make any sense.

I have focused lately on getting myself ready and into school in the fall. I have figured out the program and am waiting for the classes to open up so I can register for them.  We have settled into our new house and are starting to have a routine again.  We are going to the pool frequently, though the water is too cold for my liking it is fun to see the boys get in and explore and Kaden to be adventurous.  Hyrum is a fish and all over the place. Quinten still shivers because there is not an ounce of fat on his little body.  We are counting down the days until school is out and we get to go on our trip.  Hyrum is learning cursive in school. He is getting so tall as well. Today Kaden graduated from his school. He will keep going until the end of the school year, but thanks to his many wonderful teachers he has met all of his goals!  Quinten talks up a storm and is very independent. He also loves calling everyone "meanie head" or "poo poo head" and thinks its the ultimate insult.  The boys are wanting to go on dates with me more and I have to laugh at the little songs that they sing to me in the car.  

Today I was in the dressing room at Target trying on a few things, and Kaden starts singing "I'm sexy and I know it!" at the top of his lungs. He has no clue what the words mean but he knows the song and it was just impeccable his timing on singing the song. When I went out to return the clothes and give my number back, the man said, so I take it you liked what you tried on? Fun times, fun times with my boys.  We have our challenges but it's the small what could be insignificant moments that make me laugh and enjoy getting through the week. The smiles on their faces when then realize I really was listening to them while doing 20 other things which needed to be done. I LOVE being a mother. The late at night snuggles when all they want me for ME to hold them and be their pillow let me know that I am important to them.