Peace

Today played out much differently in court than I ever imagined it to.  I am glad it ended up how it did though.  After having an emotional last few days filled with reliving the last 9 1/2 years one more day of it I think now would have been a bit over the top.  It ended up with the judge deciding the fate without any testimony. It started with my brother driving 2 1/2 hours because my friend had to stay and work. It ended up with a huge smile that has not left my face all day.  

My family has been amazing through this entire trial (really a blessing) and I am so glad they are in my life. I have called each of them at all hours of the day and night and showed up or they have shown up to help me.  I know I am loved and appreciated even though sometimes (more often than not) I am imperfect.

I decided weeks ago when people would ask how I was going to celebrate the end of my marriage that I wanted it to end where it began, in the Temple. Tonight I went again and I feel peace and comfort and love.

The next 8 weeks are going to be a whirlwind of craziness. I am going to Las Vegas for a wedding in a few weeks, and have to move out of this house by the end of April. I am going to stay with a friend for the month of May. And finally I am planning a fun trip to DisneyWorld with a long detour on the way home to visit lots of friends on the East coast.  Why pay rent in a town you don't want to be in when you can just pay gas and camp out for a month in various cities?

I am so thankful for everyone prayers and fasting over these last difficult and learning months. I am so glad it is over too.  I am able to say good riddance to people and get to choose which friendships I want to keep alive and which ones I will let end for a season.

There are a range of emotions running through me from pure joy, a friend told me it's like a kid on Christmas morning, so true!  And then I can feel numb the next second and curious the next.  I don't know what I am supposed to be learning from all of this, but I know that I am going to try to not waste another minute of this life I am blessed to live.  I am no longer in a limbo state and can enjoy making plans for the boys and me.  I don't know how it's all going to work out but things have worked out so far so I am going with it!

A Whirl Wind Week

This is a crazy week for me. Please pray that I will have the courage to make it through in one piece. I had a good friend's apartment get broken into today. It just makes me realize that we are all vulnerable to other people in this world.  My family is all dealing with their own crazy events, my Grandpa had a mini stroke today and is in the hospital, my sisters happy in love or would love to be happy. My brother is single parent of the year and I am counting down these last 4 days with lots of anxiety.  I don't understand why I am so anxious for something I know is right. It is just hard to now be in control on my own fate and to trust that a judge will be fair to all parties involved.  I want what is best for my boys and that is what I am constantly reminding myself.  I have a great support network of friends all over this country from the 27 moves we have made.  I am blessed to be able to call so many people friends. My boys know that something is going to happen this Friday but don't really understand what. They just know that mom is preparing for a big meeting.  I am glad that I am on my side of the table with my support group.  Thanks to everyone who has been a part of my life and cheered me along the way.  I am who I am because of many of you and the experiences I have had! I am thankful to have a friend fly across the country to sit at my side on Friday.  With her there I know that all will be ok and we will be taken care of.

Sometimes, the prettiest smiles hide the deepest secrets. The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears and the kindest hearts have felt the most pain.

Vacation Days

I love my boys and spending time with them.  I also love them being in public school.  The stress of me not being the teacher works for us.  I did home school with Hyrum in kindergarten.  I enjoyed all the time and keeping him safe and learning, but I know for us that public school is the way to go right now.

The school does allow the boys to miss if they are sick, but I wished that just like when adults have jobs they get vacation time, that students in school could have some vacation days to take as well.  Sometimes people come into town and visit and in the past I have been able to take them out of school because they have not missed so much school.  We would have "appointments to go to" that just so happened to be at Chuck E Cheese or the river.  This year with the divorce however, the boys are missing every other week half a day for counseling.  Add that to any time they have gotten sick, this week it was pink eye, and they are at their max of missing school.  

And I am sad because I loved the time as a kid my mom would let me miss and we would go have special dates just her and I and this year I can't do that with my boys.  Summer vacation can't get here fast enough.... less than 10 weeks!!

Cheery Faces

Some days it is fun when Hyrum stays home from school because he's not feeling well.  I get not so subliminal messages on the boys bellies.

This picture brings a smile to my face.  It totally captured who Kade Man is.

This is a perfect Hyrum face.  One where he is scheming for something bigger and better in his life.

Reflections

Right now it feels like my life is at the point you see in this picture. I am ready to branch out and pick which way I will take a log my path in life.  I am ready to be able to move on. I have feel like I have too many options to pick from these days and it is time that is holding me back. At least in my mind it feels that way. This weekend I choose to worry about myself and to keep myself going strong. 

As I went on a hike down the road from my brother's house in Austin, it was amazing to see the transformation that the recent rains have brought to the area.  Everything is green, there are flowers and the dry creek beds that 2 months ago were nothing but rocks now are flowing.  It was beautiful to see.

This is the same picture, just flipped. It's amazing what perspective does for the eyes.  On my hike I was thinking a lot about what I want. I had time to allow my mind to wander and to get lost in my own thoughts.  The weather was not too hot and it was so refreshing to ponder what I want to do for the next few years.

Nature is a beautiful thing.

Take time to realize that your hopes and dreams are worth it.  Follow your heart!

Saturday night I went out to go find that I gave up for a few years. I love music and I love people who are passionate about what they do.  I love taking pictures and capturing the magic of a night.  I got a new app on my phone that makes things look like they were recorded with an old 8mm video camera. Here is a glimpse into what I was able to experience.

The night was kid free and fun and a definite change from anything I have done in years for myself.  The lights, the cameras, the people, the night life.  It was fun, but when I was driving back up to my brothers at an hour that I haven't been out at for many years...something was missing.  My boys were not there to check on in bed, there was no one to hug at nights end and I crawled up with my blanket and pillow on a couch. I was never lonely in the sense that I was alone but lonely in the sense that this is the consequences of another person's choices.  I allowed myself to have these feelings for just a minute, then said a prayer of thanks knowing that I was never alone.  I always have had a friend on my side, Someone who knows my own needs better than I know my own.

I am grateful for a weekend to find myself again and to realize what is truly the most important thing to me.  One day there will be someone who introduces me to people and cares thinks about apologizing if they think the conversation might gets boring for me. They will help me smile all the time.  Someone who no matter how short or long it has been since I have seen them still loves me for me and is committed to me.

And I am enjoying dreaming and planning for the future, so that one day when I am able to start dating again and I meet someone who I think I am compatible with and they feel they are compatible with me, I might be willing to open my heart to them and trust.  One day all the rocks in my life will again be covered with an abundance of water and lush green plants and flowers all around.  If I am truly honest, I am scared because of past heartaches, but if I truly look at my life and what I know to be true, I know it will be worth it!

And now I must go to bed because spring break has done me in.  I don't know who is going to have a harder time come 6:30, the boys or me.  Let's hope it's none of us and we get this week started out right!

PS-I am all alone now. Heather after months of her help has moved back to her house. Also, Estella has moved back to Mexico because she missed her mom and dad.  I have been alone just under a week now watching the boys, and I think it is safe to say, I can do it!!  All 3 boys were bathed and tucked into their own beds after medicine (Kaden & Quinten are sick again) and some snuggles.

I am very frustrated today.   I can't stop wondering how I am supposed to share the most intimate part of myself, my children, with a person who has become nothing more than a stranger.  I no longer posses the tiny bits of information that create the web of trust that is required in seamless co-parenting.  I have been counting down the last few days of this marriage the way I counted down the last few days of being pregnant.  Both outcomes have something joyous come out of them.  I have never been so grateful for an attorney to still be present in my life.  

I have been reading conference talks.  Here is a quote that has helped me lately..

Elder Scott:
Heavenly Father’s...plan of happiness is conceived so that we will have challenges, even difficulties, where decisions of great importance must be made so that we can grow, develop, and succeed in this mortal probation. Gratefully, in His perfect love, He has provided a way for us to resolve those challenges while growing in strength and capacity. I speak of the sustaining power of faith in times of uncertainty and testing.

Hyrum

Hyrum's baptism was a success.  He was baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I am so proud of him and the decision that he has made today.  The day started with a few hick ups (more drama) but by the time 3pm rolled around everything was perfect and ran smoothly.  He had almost 60 people in attendance and filled the room. Pictures coming, just know that it was a peaceful, fun day.  I am a happy (and tired) mom tonight!

**Post Edit** I found out that there were actually 71 people who showed up!

Sacrifice

I have never had a problem with sacrificing and putting my kids before myself, it's just something that I do.  Right now I am struggling though.... Hyrum has a few simple wishes for his baptism and not because the requests are physically difficult, but instead emotionally like ripping a band aid off an almost healed wound do I hesitate.  Tonight though I said a quick prayer, sang one of my favorite primary songs, swallowed my own pride and followed through.  I have reached out to a woman & her kids whom I have never met nor ever imagined would be a part of my life.  The invitation to the baptism has been extended and it's not up to me whether or not they show up.  I will smile because I am happy and I love my life.  I will honor my sons wishes because he wants to be a missionary & because it is the right thing to do.  I want to be a good example to my boys of making right choices even though they are not the choices we would choose if we were left to our own devices.  I will pray for extra strength and peace when (if) I meet a family on Saturday whom I never would have imagined would be connected to me in a round about way.  Life is real and though I the last few weeks am wondering again what is it I am supposed to be learning through all of this?  I will press on because why look back at what was and instead be excited for what is to come!

Hyrum is smarter than an 2nd grader and a reminder to me of what life is about. I am proud to be his mother and to admit that on this topic my boys are teaching me how to act and to have peace with life.

And now I will go cry, because as much as I am ready to be through I am still human full of emotion and love for my son!  Who wouldn't be after going to open house at school and getting a look at his family picture.  Look at the sun big and huge in the sky and my cautioning him to get down out of the tree. He knows me well!

"We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” ― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Baptism

HYRUM is turning 8 and has made the choice to be baptized.

He wants to invite anyone who wants to come.

Saturday, March 10, 2012 at 3:00PM

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

6240 UTSA Blvd, San Antonio TX 78249

We would love to have you there with us!

He hopes to have the Relief Society Room filled to capacity with the most people ever, funny kid!

Fixed

There used to be a witching hour in my house every day, my mom friends know about it. The hours after school between say 4-5:30ish.  The hours where I have been doing things all day long and am tired and exhausted and just want some peace and quiet and a chance to go to the bathroom my myself. The time when I should be preparing dinner but am often times clueless about what to make. Then when I think of an idea that sounds good to me and won't get too many complaints from my children, only to realize I am an ingredient short so I procrastinated dinner even longer.  Yes that is the time. The time that is too late to give the boys a snack because they won't eat their dinner and too late to put down those who really need a nap because then it would be a struggle putting them to bed at night.

Well, that time is gone from here now. The difference is not in my boys and the way they act. It is instead in me and the way I react to their behaviors. I am no longer waiting for someone to come home to rescue me! I know my break now comes at bedtime, which I moved much much earlier!  My kids are not anxiously awaiting anyone hoping to play. Our current routines are our new normal and we are settling into them.

It is funny how kids adapt so quickly to changes in their lives. Something that has taken me a solid eight months to really grasp. A friend told me that time heals all wounds.... I am not so sure that I agree with that statement so much.  I think that the time allows us to process what our new normal is but it's not the time so much that does the healing, it's that desire within one self.

Why The New Blog?

You may be wondering why I changed my blog address... one reason being that I will keep the last name of Sinclair when I get divorced (it's so much easier with my kids and plus I don't think of myself by my maiden name anymore), but I will not stay Sinclair forever.  Nope I will meet someone who loves me for me.  So I figured while I was needing a change and I don't know what else I can change in my life at this time, I may as well change my blog address.  So my new blog is Paige Worthy.  Just a place where I can jot down what I feel is worthy and want to remember in the years to come.  It's My Life!

Today is Texas Independence Day, but I am declaring it Paige Independence Day as well.  I realized tonight that I am free.  I am so thankful for the healing in my life.  Now to just make everything official so there is no longer a battle with time of right and wrong!

The secret of happiness if freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.

-Thucydides

Your heart is free... have the courage to follow it.

-Braveheart