I have had a few friends ask me for advice on what to say to their friends who have just been served with divorce paperwork, so I decided to write out my thoughts so anyone could see what I would say. I have shared this and more with some friends already. These are my thoughts now that my divorce is final and I have received the 2 most expensive pieces of paper of my life.
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So I started out writing a completely different letter. The
advice that I would give you right now, after a pretty crazy post divorce day
is that single parenting is challenging, but you can do it! Make sure and have a great support group, you
may have a few good friends now, but they will become lifesavers on a
particularly stressful day. Also while
on the topic of friends, this will be a discovery period for you. You will find who is a true friend and who
just enjoys the drama. Look towards
those great and wonderful friends, and if a new person reached out to you, give
them a chance; they could turn into one of your best friends! Even though there may be people in your
husband’s family whom you like and are on your side, distance yourself from
them. You need to have that break. Families usually stick by their own and now
you will be an outcast.
Don’t keep what you are going through a secret, don’t go out
of your way to broadcast all the details to everyone, have a few close friends
who you can vent to and receive feedback from.
At the same time, don’t be afraid to tell someone that there is more to
you and who you are than your relationship, or lack thereof with your soon to
be ex-husband. There were days when I
had to ask family and friends to talk about other topics. When they ask you, they are not wanting to be
nosey, they are just curious as many of them have not experienced it themselves
and they don’t understand the complete 180 a person can make.
Take the time to look outside of yourself and serve others,
serving others will help you to realize that there are other people in the
world who are worse off than you. Yes,
the situation you are in totally does suck and no one I know who has
experienced it would wish divorce on their worst enemy, but it will not kill
you. You can come out of this experience
a stronger person and even surprise yourself with all that you are capable of
doing! The lady that I have cut my hair
handed me a people magazine one day and told me to read it to get my thoughts
on other people’s problems to forget my own.
It worked, but I think that service is a wonderful option as well!
No one goes into a marriage hoping it will end in divorce,
that would be crazy – you would never have gotten married to begin with. But as a result of our free agency you are
put in this situation. You have the
choice to allow it to make or break you.
I choose to allow it to mold me into a stronger person; I hope you make
the same choice. There will be many
times where you struggle with why me, but look at it as you are not being
punished. Why not you? You are given this opportunity to learn and
have a chance at a better life and relationship with a person whom it truly
devoted to you. Heavenly Father has not
forgotten about you in this time of your life and you will find very many
tender mercies if you are looking with a positive outlook.
Remember to pray for things.
But remember to pray for more than just your failing marriage. It was not all you focused on pre divorce
paperwork, why the sole focus now? Read
your scriptures and truly delve into them.
On nights when I was having a hard time falling asleep or with bad dreams,
I would read my scriptures even if just a few verses and I would sleep more
soundly through the night.
Find a good counselor and take the time to counsel with your
Bishop. My Bishop a few times asked if meeting him was helping me, I assured
him that yes it was. Knowing that I was
meeting with a man who was called of God to be over me brought me comfort even
if most of the times I was the one speaking.
Sometimes just the questions that were asked got me thinking for the
next few weeks and made me look at life in an entirely new way. I am forever grateful to my counselor and my
Bishop for keeping me sane and laughing through the hard times. Also be willing to ask for blessings if you
feel the need.
Take the time to make new traditions and hobbies for
yourself and your kids. Continue some of
the old ones if you want to, but not if they will have painful memories of what
was. There is no point dwelling on the
old and the past unless you want yourself to hurt more and to not emotionally
heal. Allow yourself to feel and
experience all of the emotions that are going through your body but set a time
limit. You don’t want to live life
moping around.
For your children’s sake, allow them to have a picture of
them with their dad but not a family picture of all of you together. File those old family pictures away for when
they are older and might want them. You
will be tempted to get rid of everything of you together, I have
had friends who have done that, but now a few years back they wished they had
kept something for their kids. Take old
family pictures off your computer, no good will come from scrolling through
them. You will not feel any better. It is ok to remember the good with the bad
but remember that you did have so many years of great times and that too has
shaped you into the woman that you are.
When food stops tasting good, force yourself to eat. You can’t be your best self and the best
mother that you know how to be if you are not physically taking care of
yourself. Tell others around you about
your lack of desire to eat and ask them to kindly help you eat. Try new foods and go out of your comfort zone
in this area. Learn to make new foods so
you don’t have the same constant memories with the meals as before. Exercise.
My life is what it is, and it is wonderful! I am who I am because of all that I have
experienced and I know that my first marriage was and is still a blessing in my
life. I would not go back and change things about it. I lived my life the best way that I knew how
to. Was I perfect, far from it! I am
human and I made plenty of mistakes.
Allow the Atonement to be a part of your life, truly search the
scriptures in the quiet moments of the night.
How could Christ have died for our sins and those of others if he did
not know how we would respond and react to different circumstances in our lives? Start praying for forgiveness now.
Make yourself make plans for the future, they don’t have to
be concrete plans, but having a future goal you are reaching towards will give
you a new purpose in your life and will feel wonderful when you, in time, have
reached that goal. Then make sure you
set new ones.
When your divorce is totally final and you have gotten to
the point where you are ready to date, don’t throw yourself at any guy that
comes along. Give all guys one chance
because you might be pleasantly surprised when someone has the qualities and
traits you were wanting in a person.
Take the time to make yourself feel attractive even if money is tight
you will be glad that you did! It will
feel odd when you kiss a new guy for the first time after years with the husband
but it is thrilling and exciting too.
You might feel naughty at first, but it is better than being a teenager!
Be careful though because you have so
much more power than you realized you did as a teenager. Read for the strength of youth and draw your
lines and choose to stick to them before you even go out with a man.
Heavenly Father is a God of love, he wants us to be happy
and he will bless you with all that you stand in need of and are deserving
of. There will come a time when you will
see your (ex)husband in an entirely new light and there is not that same
attraction and pull, still treat him kindly and with respect. There were many times that I took the cheap
shots offered to me and it didn’t make me feel better. There will be many things that you will not
understand, stop trying, you will only make yourself crazy! There will be many things that will be out of
your control, don’t focus on those things.
Try not to tell your children bad things about their father, he is still
their father whether or not he is being a positive example or not.
Work on being the healthiest, happiest you that you can
be. Figure out a few new hobbies, or
allow yourself the time to get back into old hobbies that you allowed to die
for the season in your marriage relationship.
You will feel better doing these things and it will help you to have a
distraction of all the other thoughts in your mind. Do not do things wishing to have your husband
back, there is no need for manipulation and trickery, but it is ok to dress
nicely and have your act together at times when he will come over to pick up
your kids. Treat your relationship with
him as a business deal. Need to know information. And know that even once the divorce is final,
they will still know how to push your buttons.
Love yourself for who you are and what you stand for. You will be blessed for taking the higher
road and will come out of this bump in the road as unscathed as you can. I believe in you!!
Love,
PAIGE
1 comment:
Beautifully written, Paige. I'm so glad you are doing well despite the trials thrown your way. As I go through trials, I always think of the analogy of the rock with rough edges going through the river and it becomes smooth with every toss, turn, bump, etc. Eventually the entire thing becomes smooth. Through out all of these trials, we will eventually become smooth.
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