We're Home!

Today I took the kids to my mom's ward at church. My brother sat in the side row behind me.  I don't know what got into my kids. Hyrum was talking back and I had to take him out. Kaden was all over the place refusing to sit still and Quinten decided that throwing his cereal all over the place was a good idea at church too.  It was the annual Thanksgiving sing along in her ward.  The family in front of me who has in the past been really nice to me kept turning around and giving me the nastiest looks.  Like HATE looks of why can't I control my kids?!  I wanted to tell her off so bad.  But I kept my cool to her as the tears streamed down my face - that made Hyrum shape up.  He knows when Mom cries that I need more help.  People have no clue what is going on that these otherwise pretty well behaved boys are struggling.  It makes me want to wear a sign around my neck saying "Please be nice to me, I am going through a lot, my husband has filed for divorce and is already in a relationship with another woman.  This is all new to me and I am still in shock!" Yet instead I suck it up and keep going because exploding at them will do no good.  I don't want that sign around my neck anyways, I don't want to be the martyr, I want to be PAIGE.  Life is too short to spend the time I have constantly being hurt, there is still so much to be happy for!  I am at church for me, not them anyways. 

Tonight after driving back from my moms house, before the boys and I read scriptures, Kaden asked to say the prayer. I asked him if he wanted help or if he wanted to say the prayers all by himself.  He said I do it by myself. Then he said a real prayer right. Giving thanks, asking for things our family needs and closing the prayer all by himself. It was pretty incredible!  He was walking around the living room with his eyes open the entire time, but I will take what I can get.  He told me he has been practicing in his bed at night.  I am thankful to have my kids through all of this to help me focus on the little things that are important every day.

Another fun thing happened this last week while at my mom's house. Quinten decided that he is done sleeping in a crib - he crawls out when you put him in and he crawls into a big bed and put himself to sleep.  It is a good thing that he doesn't know how to open the door yet though! I know when he misses his dad because when he does he finds Kyle's old work glove and hauls it around.  He enjoys sleeping with it on and covering his face.  The kid cracks me up. Tonight when we got back Hyrum helped me convert his crib to a toddler bed.

Hyrum had a fun week with his cousins and seeing his friends in my mom's ward. I know he would have rather had a few play dates mixed in but I told him we can schedule them for Christmas time.  He is adjusting better to not having Kyle be a constant in his daily schedule and I think is on the up and up. I am sure he will have more down days and questions, but so do I so that is normal.  I am thankful for the LDS counselor that I  was able to get him in to. She helps tremendously.

**Post Edit**
A few days ago I said I still was willing to try, well the willingness is gone.  In light of my most recent Thanksgiving news, there is no more trying on my side.  Also, I in no way want you to think I have been perfect in this marriage, in fact far from it, I am human. But I did not quit, I did not give up, I was still in it up until Thanksgiving.  After that too much was revealed and I will forgive with time and move on.  It's what I have to do!