I am thankful that we came to this Earth with the gift of free agency and that no one forces us to make decisions other than ourselves.  Even if someone does something to us, it is our choice how we react.  I will be held accountable for my actions and you will be held accountable for yours.  This blog is my written outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings about what is going on in my life.  I am grateful to live in a country where we have freedom of speech.  If you do not like what I have to say, no one is forcing you to read it.  Remember it is always your own choice!

My friend posted this on Facebook. It is so true. I am including it here.

'I Do' Means 'I Will,' Not 'I May'

By Iris Krasnow

Here's some advice from a midlife wife: If you're single and searching, don't be deterred by the quickie marriages of celebrities -- stars with perfect bodies and zillions of dollars -- who recite "I do" as if it's a line from one of their scripts. Many marriages do last a long time, like the ones that have endured up to 70 years in my book, The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes To Stay Married.

I have learned from my own 23-year marriage and the voices of these wives to liken the choice to get married to the choice to have children: It's a fundamental commitment to be present, to be patient, to be loyal, to be responsible. If you don't want to spend a lot of time and work raising a child, don't have one. If you don't want to work your hardest to nurture a marriage, through loving and loathing and boredom and economic upheaval, stay single. Because once you cross that threshold into parenthood or into matrimony, there should be no turning back.

"I do" doesn't mean "I may", it means "I will."

The difference, of course, is that once you bring a child into the world, even if you abandon your parental role, he or she is still your child. Once you say your wedding vows, that marriage, unfortunately, can still easily be disposed of -- within weeks.

Kim Kardashian, a smart woman who is inspiring as an entrepreneur, is dismal as a role model in how to conduct your life, as are many of her Hollywood pals who have no idea that "til death do us part" doesn't mean "'til something hotter comes along." Shopping for a husband is not like shopping for shoes. He is something that you keep.

After all, really, that's all that marriage is: It's a promise, and when we look back at our childhoods, isn't that one of the most important lessons our parents taught us? We were told to be kind, to play fair and to do what we say we are going to do. "Commitment" was one of the first big words I ever learned. Husbands and wives who accrue multiple spouses because they are craving younger partners and/or new sex, never get to reap the real rewards of sustained love, that is, a life that is richly layered with kids and grandchildren and shared experiences.

I am painfully aware that staying married isn't easy. Even spouses in the most solid marriages have stretches of despair and itches to bolt. A piece I wrote for Huffington Post Divorce, "The Fine Line Between Marriage And Divorce," is one of the most-viewed posts in Huffington Post history. In this article I reveal how the majority of the women I interviewed for my book often contemplate divorce, and I received dozens of letters from readers who expressed relief that they weren't alone.

Yet thinking about divorce is a lot different than hiring a divorce lawyer to figure out who gets what and child custody rules. Those of us who do remain on this side of the fine line know the straight truth about what lies on the other side. Divorced friends tell us that that often the grass is not greener once you cross-over, that even if a new lover offers the best sex ever, ending a marriage tears up hearts, especially when you have children.

Those of us who believe that marriage means forever carry on and push through the pain because we said we would on our wedding days. And unless a spouse is abusive or adulterous or an addict, most marriages can endure, and do endure, as evidenced by the women in The Secret Lives of Wives. They are rich and poor, black and white, Muslim, Jewish and Evangelical Christian. Yet they share a common and significant trait: They have managed to navigate the hurdles and stay married. They meant what they said on their wedding days, come hell or high-water

These longtime wives are bound to the promise that "I do" means "I will" as they nurse husbands with lung cancer, raise children with autism, survive adultery, the loss of breasts, the death of children, bankruptcy. They often pull out bridal pictures to remind them that a wedding is not about the big dress and the big crowd and the big gifts; it's about vowing to honor a commitment. If they can forge onward through serious crises, we certainly can push through piddly annoyances like boredom which is a common reason that women tell me they consider leaving marriages.

And so we make that choice every day, every fight, every disappointment, to keep our promise to be loyal and forgiving, to be a couple that lasts. We remember those words we exchanged, clutching each other's hands, in front of God and family and friends. A wedding is not a theatrical performance: it's the real thing, an adult decision that is supposed to determine the direction and integrity of the rest of our lives.

In the early years of my marriage, that grind of the ordinary that comes with living with the same person in the same house used to frighten me. Today, my marriage that is nearly a quarter-of-a-century old is soothing. The power of the ordinary and the predictability of family life is not something we want to throw away in a world of chaos and uncertainty.

Yes, I have come to love this aging marriage of mine. As the holiday season is upon us, I feel protected by, and deeply thankful for, the shield of an intact family. I am relieved to know I have a permanent boyfriend. It's a hell of a lot better than dating and having to Spanx every body part to impress a rotating stable of Mr. Wrongs.

Marriage means you get to soften at the belly. Marriage means you get to relax.

Iris Krasnow is a journalism professor at American University. Connect with her on www.iriskrasnow.com

Counseling

I strongly believe in counseling.  Some people say don't let anyone know you are going, they will be ashamed and embarrassed.  You know what, I am not ashamed or embarrassed. Counseling has helped and is helping our family try to cope and understand the changes that are taking place within it.

Hyrum says his "special friend" is nice. She plays games with us like basketball and uno attack. My friend helps me change my mistakes. She helps me understand whats going on with my mom and dad through books too.

Kaden likes playing with the doll house, it's especially funny because it has a potty in it.  He also doesn't like time out but is learning that when mom says time out she means business.

Quinten loves playing with the tractors.  He likes to play games with us.

Paige likes counseling because it helps me realize where I have made mistakes and how I can be better and also the many strengths I do have.

There is nothing wrong with admitting we are not specialists in life and in all things that that we need help figuring out different changes in our lives. I am thankful for those people who specialize in family and marriage counseling because they are the ones who help me figure out how to make our family feel whole again.

Written by Paige & Hyrum

We couldn't agree on which picture to post so Hyrum picked the above one he says we have the meanest stares we know how.  Paige's picture below is of the happiest smiles we know.

After school was adventurous today. We were all playing at the school playground and Quinten slipped and bit threw his lip.  My friend who was with me suggested that we ask our other neighbor who is a paramedic to check it out because we all know that I don't need another visit to the urgent care center.  He checked it out and said that it could go either way but to err on the side of caution to take him in because it was gaping open wide.  When I got there, it turns out that they don't do stitches inside the mouth because of the high risk of infection, but it turns out that Quinten's ears were clogged with wax and he has a major ear infection which they were only able to see once they cleaned out his ears. So much wax!  His lip is swollen huge but he will survive and thanks to the medicine for the ear infection it should hopefully clear up the infection in his lungs as well and we should be on the road to recovery.  I guess with it finally cooling off during the nights that it is time for all the kids to get flu shots. Last year we didn't do it and all the boys got the flu really bad.

Today I am grateful for friends who are willing to watch my kids at a moments notice while I have to go in to the urgent care center even though they themselves have just gotten home from the dentist when their own kid's teeth have been knocked out.  I am grateful for all the times I have stepped up to help out others throughout the last few years because I can definitely see it being given back these days.  It is very humbling to ask others for help when I am not able to do do it all myself.

I really Like This Song

We're Home!

Today I took the kids to my mom's ward at church. My brother sat in the side row behind me.  I don't know what got into my kids. Hyrum was talking back and I had to take him out. Kaden was all over the place refusing to sit still and Quinten decided that throwing his cereal all over the place was a good idea at church too.  It was the annual Thanksgiving sing along in her ward.  The family in front of me who has in the past been really nice to me kept turning around and giving me the nastiest looks.  Like HATE looks of why can't I control my kids?!  I wanted to tell her off so bad.  But I kept my cool to her as the tears streamed down my face - that made Hyrum shape up.  He knows when Mom cries that I need more help.  People have no clue what is going on that these otherwise pretty well behaved boys are struggling.  It makes me want to wear a sign around my neck saying "Please be nice to me, I am going through a lot, my husband has filed for divorce and is already in a relationship with another woman.  This is all new to me and I am still in shock!" Yet instead I suck it up and keep going because exploding at them will do no good.  I don't want that sign around my neck anyways, I don't want to be the martyr, I want to be PAIGE.  Life is too short to spend the time I have constantly being hurt, there is still so much to be happy for!  I am at church for me, not them anyways. 

Tonight after driving back from my moms house, before the boys and I read scriptures, Kaden asked to say the prayer. I asked him if he wanted help or if he wanted to say the prayers all by himself.  He said I do it by myself. Then he said a real prayer right. Giving thanks, asking for things our family needs and closing the prayer all by himself. It was pretty incredible!  He was walking around the living room with his eyes open the entire time, but I will take what I can get.  He told me he has been practicing in his bed at night.  I am thankful to have my kids through all of this to help me focus on the little things that are important every day.

Another fun thing happened this last week while at my mom's house. Quinten decided that he is done sleeping in a crib - he crawls out when you put him in and he crawls into a big bed and put himself to sleep.  It is a good thing that he doesn't know how to open the door yet though! I know when he misses his dad because when he does he finds Kyle's old work glove and hauls it around.  He enjoys sleeping with it on and covering his face.  The kid cracks me up. Tonight when we got back Hyrum helped me convert his crib to a toddler bed.

Hyrum had a fun week with his cousins and seeing his friends in my mom's ward. I know he would have rather had a few play dates mixed in but I told him we can schedule them for Christmas time.  He is adjusting better to not having Kyle be a constant in his daily schedule and I think is on the up and up. I am sure he will have more down days and questions, but so do I so that is normal.  I am thankful for the LDS counselor that I  was able to get him in to. She helps tremendously.

**Post Edit**
A few days ago I said I still was willing to try, well the willingness is gone.  In light of my most recent Thanksgiving news, there is no more trying on my side.  Also, I in no way want you to think I have been perfect in this marriage, in fact far from it, I am human. But I did not quit, I did not give up, I was still in it up until Thanksgiving.  After that too much was revealed and I will forgive with time and move on.  It's what I have to do!

Coming Together

With today being Thanksgiving I figure I better let you all know some things that I am really truly grateful for. 

First is my health. I have never been a morning person, in the past when I would wake up early many days in a row I would physically get sick.  Well I have been getting up with Hyrum almost every single day since school started and granted I have been exhausted come 10 o'clock at night, but I have been able to get up with him and still function throughout the day and still I am surviving!

It helps that I have figured out how to get Kaden - the non-easy-to-put-to-bed kid to fall asleep most nights rather quickly.  Primary music and sleeping with his big brother. These 2 both are head butters and steam rollers in the night. They don't sleep still and they both love to snuggle.  My solution, have them sleep together!  Hyrum's bed is big enough for the both, though I found out at my mom's house this week they like to share a twin bed as well. Most nights I have to put them down on their own but if they wake up they tend to help one another. That is a blessing!  Hyrum used to get so upset with Kaden but now with Kyle leaving, Hyrum has stepped it up a lot. I thank his wonderful counselor for that! And night times are a little bit more peaceful and way less stressful around our house.

I am thankful for the gospel for how it helps me to be a better person and to not give up when things get so hard and help me to know how and when to forgive. I am thankful to have a Temple so close and be able to go inside to find peace and solace from everything going on in my life!

I am also thankful for my friends who allow me to talk and bounce my thoughts off them and help me realize that I am normal and not all the things that I have been told by someone who should love me unconditionally. Friends make the world a better place.

Since me having kids and my own parents getting divorced 3 1/2 years ago, we have pulled together more and are friends who talk a lot and like getting together even though we all live in different cities all over the states. I see the same things happening in my kids even from such a young age. I am grateful that cell phones were invented and that long distance phone calls do not cost per minute to make. I am grateful that I can call and text any time day or night and know that someone will get back to me shortly if they don't answer. Along with this goes the internet, being able to see the people that I talk to on skype of facetime makes talking even more fun.

There are so many things that bring me joy in life. I am thankful for a day to reflect about it all during this time in my life!

Thoughts on Divorce

As I am going through this divorce process I have learned some very important things about people and what not to and what to say. Of most importance is:

NEVER state that you have never liked the person other party in a divorce - you never know if the other person is still in love with them even though you have been hurt you still believe in forgiveness.  You know that the fight is not over and people can change and things can still work out if the other party is willing.  If someone lets you know that they are ok, believe them!  Strength comes from having a great support network around in prayers and going to the Temple. I did nothing wrong, I really might be doing ok! I have not given up!  There are still so many wonderful things in my life that bring me JOY.

Do follow the promptings to call someone. A phone call is much more personal that a text message or email. Maybe that person just needs to hear a friendly voice. If they don't answer, don't think it doesn't mean they don't want to talk to you but instead they might be being a single parent or on the phone with their attorney or just trying to figure out how they are going to pay their bills for the month.  It is a big adjustment to being married to being separated on the road to divorce.

Meals brought in are actually a good idea. Stress makes people not want to eat as much sometimes but they need that energy and just to know others are thinking about them.  Even better if the friend wants to stay for dinner and is willing to share their own struggles and problems. My problems might be big, but they are not the end of the world, we talked about you when we would get together before, it's ok for me to hear about your life now too.  Your problems are big for you, and I realize that. I like our friendships to go both ways.

When you know the kids are out on a weekend with their dad, it's ok to invite a person out to do something. Even if you think it's just to the store together, after years of having kids around all the time, the quietness sometimes leads to being depressed. Sad thoughts are normal to have through a time like this, but one does not need to dwell on those sad times, drowning in ones sorrows never gets anyone anywhere!

"Stick and stones can break my bones when aimed with angry hearts, and words can sting like anything, but silence kills the heart." If we were occasional talking friends before and you know this is going on, why ignore me now when I really need you? Am I poisoned now just because someone else has quit and given up on me?  A true friend steps in when the rest of the world steps out.


I am sure there is more, but this is what stands out to me right now that I want to share.  I am truly thankful for those who have kindly reached out to me through all this going on with Kyle and I.  My kids notice and appreciate it too. We are moving on with life, we are still laughing each new day, we are still great people.  I will get through this, I will be ok, and I am forever grateful to those whom have stepped up at a phone calls notice and taken the kids or given me a blessing or just called to say hi how are you doing. This is my new life, I will still be living it once the initial shock period wears off.  I will endure to the end. I have to, I must, it's who I am and what I stand for.  Thanks again for everything!  The holidays are hard, but we will still enjoy them - alone - for that is what Kyle has chosen for all of us when he thought he was just choosing for himself.

A New Baby

Yesterday Brittany and Garrett had their baby. Tatum Rilee Sinclair. Since we were driving into Houston and getting updates by text message, it was fun to share with the boys. Hyrum & Kaden especially love babies.  Hyrum asked if he could get to go on a special date to see his new cousin. He decided that he needed to take a bath and put on clean clothes first. He was worried that she was so new and he didn't want to get her sick. He was even concerned that his shoes were dirty and needed to be cleaned first, but I told him they would be ok.  

On the way to the hospital Hyrum reminded me that we had no gifts. I let him be the one to pick out presents for everyone. Rilee got pink pacifiers, Aunt Brittany got red licorice - a huge bag, and Uncle Garrett got Dr. Pepper and Reece's Pieces. Hyrum was excited to get to give Aunt Brittany everything.  When we got there, we found out that Tatum was jaundiced so she wasn't in the room so Hyrum watched a little Ratatouille while I was visiting. During that time, the nurse came to check on Brittany. I took Hyrum out to the hallway. We were talking and I asked him if he had asked Uncle Garrett what it was like being a Dad for the first time. He said, "But Mom they already have a baby in Heaven, remember she had a miscarriage last year." I said yes but this is their first healthy baby to live to get to see born.  Hyrum remembers the little details that other sometimes forget. It makes me love him all the more.  We also talked about all our babies that are in Heaven waiting for us, he thinks it is so cool that when we get to Heaven our family will have way more kids.

Since Tatum was in the nursery under the lights after visiting with Garrett & Brittany we walked to the glass window to watch and I snuck a picture in before the nurses reminded me that there are no pictures through the glass. Hyrum and I stayed there at least 30 minutes just watching Tatum and enjoying the spirit that is in a newborn nursery.  She had special glasses on to protect her eyes, yet Hyrum said that she could still feel him there and when he would blow kisses to her that she would wiggle her little finger and wave back. He really loved being around her even though it was through the glass. She seems to have a mellow personality and was calm laying under the lights.  This morning Hyrum was asking to take a bath to go back to visit her at the window again so she wouldn't be all alone in there.

Here's the picture that we snuck through the nursery window.

Here's a picture from Niki's blog that shows Tatum's cute little face.

A Fresh Start

I have transferred everything from my old blog away saving it for later and am starting over just as my life is once again starting over.  I am opening up my blog to the public again and am going to allow whomever wants to to follow along.

Here is how my "new" life story is unfolding. November 3rd, 2011 after going back and forth in what he had told me for about 2 months, Kyle filed for divorce. He no longer wants to be married and wants to move on with his life. He has told me that he just isn't in love and has been unhappy for many years.  It's ok to be shocked, I was/am too.  However, I ask that you please not judge. Every person has faults and makes mistakes.  None of us are perfect. When we die, we will be judged by a loving Heavenly Father on how we react and respond to trials that come into our lives.  This is my current trial as well as blessing, because I have been able to realize what a strong person I truly am!  Something else interesting about this is when a life altering event happens such as someone filing for divorce, you find out who your true friends are. People come out of the cracks and say kind things and let you know they are there for you or else they send nasty texts and phone messages and emails.  By me sharing this I am in no way asking anyone to pick sides, I am just stating a fact that Kyle filed for divorce and the reasoning he gave me.

I am going to start documenting my life with Hyrum, Kaden, and Quinten apart from Kyle as we continue on our quest through life.  I know that the boys and I will be ok and that we need to focus on and surround ourselves by people and things that bring us joy.  If you are not that type of person, than for the moment we may choose to distance ourselves from you as we need to be reminded of our inner worth and purpose in life.  Or if you are a strong person, we may choose to distance ourselves from you because we are focusing on ourselves and trying to be the best people that we can be.  We can all do hard things and life isn't fair, but we are survivors and this is only but a stumbling block in our paths. I am very sad that Kyle has made this choice, but I cannot make him choose anything different. I am just responsible for myself.  I am the only one whom can make myself happy!!  As much as it is hard for me to wrap my head around all this "new" that is happening in my life I am grateful to be able to fall back on I KNOW without a doubt that the boys and I will be ok.  How that will end up I am not sure, but I know that in trusting in the Lord that we will get through this.  New goals and hopes and dreams are in the works and this detour has already opened up windows to the future and once this is all finalized I am praying that doors will open up too.  This is hard, life is tough, but there are tons of people much worse off than I am and at least we have our health!

Here are some recent pictures of the boys as of late.

 Hyrum getting ready for bike rodeo.

 Tin Tin loving Halloween and all the fun things that come with it.

 Hot! Fire!

 Qubes loves swinging. Once we take Kaden bye bye to school, he wants to play out back and swing. He will want to stop for a short snack but then wants to go back out to swinging instead of taking a nap.

 Kade Man and his pumpkin face.

 He loves playing football a lot. I think it's mostly for the tacking part though, but I could be wrong.

 Look Mom! Mud!

Hyrum loved scootering on the docks when we were to Vail this summer.